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The most underwhelming meal ever

Kapital coffee lounge

CBD, next to Lonrho House

I noted the revamping of that little cranny next to Lonrho House. Therefore when the restaurant opened, I went to take a look at the place.

I had passed by a few times – a reconnaissance, if you will, to look at the menu, the prices, and the general ambience. It looked promising.

I was horribly wrong.

This past week, I gave the place an official visit at lunch time.

The place was packed to the maximum, and we got the only remaining table. Within seconds of our entry, a waitress was hovering over us, shoving us specials that had been printed out on an A4 paper and an (already) battered-looking menu.

Within seconds of that, she asked us if we were ready to order. Needless to say, we were not.

A bit of the reason we were not ready to order (aside from not having photographic memory) was the fact that the table surface was wet. She wiped the table, only to make it wetter.

The table itself was teetering on what seemed like three legs, which she bent over and tried to fix with little result.

On top of that, the chairs were uncomfortable and cramped – we kept bumping into the table next to us when we did more than breathe.

After looking at the menu – which had the usual range of breakfast, soups, lunch and hot drinks, we ordered the lasagna, the penne alfredo and the chicken with sweet potato mash.

The food came promptly in large portions – only thing is, it also came in parts, like a trilogy. In other words, our food did not come together, as is basic restaurant decorum.

The food was extremely underwhelming. My penne was warmish, the chicken was bland to the point of sleep, the soup was thin and the mushrooms were countable.

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There was not much effort put into spicing it as well, as the chef clearly thinks overwhelming the dish with dhania is quite enough. The lasagna was passable.

My colleague’s sweet potato mash was made with what we thought was sour milk but what eventually emerged to be spoilt milk. Over half of our meals were thus left untouched.

After she complained, the waitress said she would check what the kitchen put in the mash. The next time we saw her was when we were asking for the bill. She had the audacity to say that the kitchen meant to give her fries in replacement.

I wonder when this was supposed to take place, as we were walking out? On a future promise, perhaps? Not likely, seeing as I am never going back.

If you feel the need against my better judgment to be ripped off, carry between 200 to 650 for a meal that you will quickly try to forget and never recommend.

The bathroom, as well, had a wet floor. Maybe to match the tables?

A tepid, uninspiring meal, in a tepid, uninspiring place, with sloppy, sluggish service, on the whole. Enter at your own peril – and if your taste buds are on a permanent sabbatical.