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MY STORY: I love my child, but hate fatherhood

I’m a married man but not a happy one. I’ve never thought of fatherhood; well, I did think about it but not in ways most people think of fatherhood. I thought it wasn’t a pleasant thing.

I have never seen myself as a father and I just didn’t want to be a father, yet.

When my wife came to me smiling with news that she was expectant, my world sort of crashed. My profession can’t allow me the comfort of fatherhood, at least right now.

I am a doctor, on call 24/7. I wake up at 4 a.m. every day to avoid traffic on my way to work and get home a few minutes to midnight after a hard day’s work.

NOT A GOOD FATHER

Nights after work find me too tired to have or enjoy family time. I know that I won’t be a good father to my child, I could be a good husband though, I guess.

My wife, now confined to the boredom of staying at home all day, is normally too tired by the time I get home to even serve me food.

I once tried to do her chores for two days, I gave up and ended up employing a house help – yet still, with the child in the picture, it seems as if there are endless things to do. Women do lots of work.

At times, I’d miss a few hours at work to ensure she went to the clinic for antenatal and postnatal care. I would drive her to the clinic all that time. I don’t trust matatu folks. The loud music they play, the rude and rowdy touts coupled with their reckless driving scared and still scares me. There was no way I would let my wife into those things, lest she miscarried, and with the baby born, not a chance.

JUGGLE MY TIME

Days before she was due, my Victoria was admitted to the hospital. I didn’t know what exactly to do, so I stayed with her at the hospital as much as I could.

I had to divide my time well. Juggle it between work and her. I would sneak out during the day and rush out after work to see her. It turned out to be so difficult. My profession requires that I spend a lot of time at work.

Finally, time came and she delivered. It was a baby boy. I was glad though I felt I wasn’t ready to be a father.

The birth of my son was trying. The first few months were difficult. My son would wail through the night. I couldn’t stand it. Sleep was sparse. My wife had to breastfeed him from time to time so as to lull him to sleep. Sometimes he would get sick at odd hours and practically deny me time to rest.

He’s two years now. He doesn’t cry as he used to. He sits at me and calls me daddy. I named him after his grandfather. He’s my little boy. He laughs, giggles and wails like a siren when there isn’t food in his hand.

FATHERHOOD IS CRAZY

Perhaps I’ll adapt to the whole concept of being a father, for now this business isn’t as joyous.

Fatherhood is crazy. I think that babies are only cute in pictures and arms of other people.

As narrated to Billy Owiti. Content Production Media is a Nairobi based Media Company that creates content for print, online platforms, film and television.

Twitter: @CPMBelieve1

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