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ETEMESI: Who will save the Kenyan boy child from ’blue ticks’?

Kenyan men are suffering. A recent research that was conducted by professors at the Institute of Behavioral Sciences at Yale University has pinpointed the five prime courses of stress among the Kenyan male populace.

From the bottom to the top, the list is as follows:

5.) Supporting Manchester United

4.) Being friends with someone who supports Manchester United

3.) Persistent landlords

2.) Losing bets

1.) Blue ticks from slay queens.

As you can see, ‘blue ticks’ take the top spot. Of course there was no such research but let us just step on that story and move on. That’s a direct translation for ‘kanyagia story’.

Have you finished stepping on it? Okay, let’s proceed.

It is indeed true that Kenyan men are suffering because of blue ticks. Texts are being ignored at an alarming rate and this is leading to increased levels of despair. Frustration is rife. The heart of the average Kenyan man thumps like the speaker of a Rongai matatu before he sends a text because he knows things will not end well.

Slay queens are giving blue ticks without the slightest of mercy. As you know, getting blue-ticked is when someone reads your text and texts forever to respond or ignores it completely.

LONG WAIT

It’s an excruciating experience, especially if this kind of treatment is coming from lady you really have a crush on. You try to find the logic behind her giving you her number only to ignore you but you find none.

It usually starts with one tick, then another tick joins the lone tick and they become twin ticks. At this time, the ticks are still grey. You are as hopeful as a KCPE or KCSE student who didn’t study enough but has prayed a lot anyway. You have even crafted the next words you will say after she responds.

After a short while, the ticks change colour like a chameleon and they become blue. “She’s about to respond any second now,” you tell yourself.

You wait and wait until you become an ideal character for the soap opera The Long Wait, but still, you get no response. You keep checking to see if she is typing but she isn’t.

REAL PAIN

The worst part of it is that she is online. What might she be busy doing? Is she helping investigators find more evidence to pin on Jowie Irungu? Is she busy discovering the cure for herpes? Is she negotiating with China to allow Kenya’s debts to slide?

I mean, she must be doing something serious right? Actually she isn’t. She is probably just chilling with her girls and liking Pascal Tokodi’s pictures. You are not a priority.

The few slay queens that make an effort to respond are not any better. They have a habit of responding like they are answering a questionnaire. The boy child keeps writing paragraphs while the lady responds with one-word answers – such an unfair transaction of words.

Some men usually begin a rant when they send several texts without getting a response. This leads to them getting blocked. Who will blame these men? Their pain is real. Others just accept the results and move on.

BADO MAPAMBANO!

Someone needs to save the Kenyan boy child from blue ticks. We could say “tunaomba serikali” but that is too cliché. Someone call The Avengers or the Justice League. Whoever can come to the boy child’s rescue should do so. Things are getting out of hand.

Or maybe it’s time that Kenyan men declared a texting strike. Tuone watalenga nani! No texting slay queens until the CBA agreement has been honored – the CBA agreement that states that a man is entitled to a response of whatever kind, even if that response is “leave me alone!”

No more “Hi?”, “Heyyy”, “Niaje?” or “Umeshindaje leo?” texts to slay queens. May all men stay silent and starve the slay queens of their much desired attention. No more notifications. Solidarity forever!

To conclude, I want you all my fellow men to sing with me. “Vijana musilale, lale, lale. Vijana musilale, bado mapambano!”

Change is coming soon, or maybe not.