Nairobi News

How mediocre men are in bed features a lot in girl prattle. Whereas we get a bad rap for our “inability” most of the times, the dispute is always about size.

Women too have their shortcomings. In bed, women come in different cuts. So, if you’re a panda, you’ll cross paths with these types.

Flash in the pan

If you heard this one talk about boning, you would be forgiven to imagine she is the reincarnation of Venus. Her sex talk is in superlatives. She freaks out men who have virility issues.

Until you get in bed with her. One crack of the whip and she surrenders. And retreats. I mean, she explodes after 15 thrusts! Fifteen, for love’s sake! If you are a jumbo in bed, mate, this is not your type of woman.

Corky boner

Ever been with a woman who dominated proceedings? This one does not take instructions. She leads the way. She is a sex goddess. Her manner would make you imagine it’s a BDSM affair. Insecure men fear her. Nothing turns men on than a woman who takes charge of things.

The whale

This one is a piece of work. She goes on and on and on. She will suck every fluid in your body to the last drop. Including your bone marrow. If you do not have the libido of a caveman, please do not get within 1km of her loins. She can’t stand jokers in bed.

For her, every time is sex time. And she does not whine “Baby, I can’t feel my legs!” Wink.

Trump card

This one is full of surprises. She fancies trying out new things. Kinky styles and all. She is awfully fun.

Her vibe in bed gets you splattering into her. When she hits “the zone”, she will clutch at your frame, screaming and panting and not let go for minutes.

Pleaser

Half of the world’s women fall here. These ones think that “Orlando” is for men. You are her lord for as long as you take good care of her. This way, she will be at your “pleasure”.

Nothing is half as boring as leaping into bed with this woman. There’s no difference between rolling in bed with this one and flying solo.

This is also the type that asks you “When will you meet my family?” in the middle of action. Wait. Does having sex mean that you are getting hitched? It’s just sex. There’s a world of a difference!

Freak

This one panics at the mention of bonking. She never settles down in bed. She will shreak as you try to make your way in. She thinks sex is a curse. And a punishment to the womenfolk.

Her body is also allergic to male juices. She will cough, nosebleed, swell and even throw up at the sight of your load. Sex makes her sick. Real sick.

The less sex, the better for her.

Commoner

These are the regular woman you see in the streets, work colleagues, friends. She is excellent in bed. Or absolutely terrible. Nothing distinct. She will willingly take you to the zenith of things. But you must reciprocate. She does not overexert herself. She knows when to stop. It’s hard to not like her.

And there are, of course, those cheap women who think that when you smile at them at the coffee shop or in the bus you want to drag them to bed.

What sex animal are you?