ETEMESI: Men with beards need to give us a break!
I am a bitter man at the moment. I am not even going to hide it. Normally, when someone has something you don’t have, the most Kenyan thing to do is to hate on them right?
That’s exactly what I am going to do. I hate men with dark, long, slick beards. I hate men whose beards are as thick as the canopies of a rainforest. Damn you men with cool beards!
It would have been cool if you guys never talked about your facial hair. You could have just assumed it the way makangas usually assume we don’t need our change.
Sadly, you never keep quiet about it. You keep rubbing it in our beardless faces. Ati sijui #NoShaveNovember. Ati sijui #BeardGang.
Come on, give us a break! Your ndevu balderdash has become exhausting.
‘BEARDISM’
My own beard is kinda visible and well-shaped but it decided it won’t grow past three centimeters. It just grew a few millimeters and then it was like “Sorry! This is all I can do for you sir. Good luck competing with the Shaffie Werus and Johos of this world.” And it’s just a goatee by the way. On the sides, there is nothing.
If my beard was a person, it would be Tyrion Lannister. You definitely get the picture?
It’s no secret that men with less fertile chins are being discriminated against. Call it beardism. Since discrimination against race is racism, the discrimination against beards should be beardism. Correct?
The situation has become really bad. The pressure to fit in has reached unsalvageable levels. I’ve seen men with no beard at all trying to flaunt the three strands of facial hair on their chins so that they can look cool too.
Some men will be posting photos on Instagram with captions such “My beard is coming through nicely” yet there is really nothing to look at. Which beard sir? Give us a microscope then so we can see it better.’
COOL BEARD
When did beards become the gold standard of masculinity? Nowadays a man who can’t even lift a hoe or fix a sink is seen as macho so long as he has a rich beard that has been shaped neatly by the kinyozi guy. By hoe I mean a jembe. I know you can lift the other one that shares the same noun really well.
And ladies are not helping matters either. Nowadays it’s common to hear a lady telling her BFFs, ”Awww… he has a cool beard. He is such a snack.”
What happened to “Awww… he is so intelligent” or “Awww… he has a really good heart.”? The two latter statements have become as extinct as Simu Ya Jamii. We need to recheck our priorities please.
I had a blind date recently with a girl I met online and the first thing she told me after seeing me was “Etemesi kumbe haunanga ndevu mob? Ama umezitrim?”
BEARD GANG
Of course, I lied that I had just trimmed them for them to grow evenly. I told her that the next time she meets me, my beard will be as long as that of a prophet in the Old Testament.
Now where will I get a magical beard for the next date?
Someone needs to start a beard weave business so that those of us whose facial skin is as unproductive as the soils of Mandera can shine too. We can’t have all these mandevu guys basking in the glory by themselves.
We want in on the praise too. In addition to that, support groups for men whose chins look like the head of Tyrese won’t be a bad idea either.
Anyway, continue flaunting your long facial hair you lucky beard gang members. Hata hatujaskia vibaya. Our day will come too. I don’t know our day for what but it will come. Man is to console himself.