Nairobi News

I recently bumped into an old friend of mine. Almost in tears, she told me about their ‘lost’ sister. They have lost their sister to the church. To one of those sloppy high-end churches who broadcast their nonsense on national television on Sunday mornings.

Let me give you a bit of background. This girl is a brilliant young woman at the peak of her career. You’d think her MBA from London School of Economics is a confirmation of her cleverness but nothing could be further from the truth.

She is a slave of her mommy pastor, a very famous televangelist. No, not that one on Forest road you are all thinking about. The other one. The veteran. The mommy pastor of all mommy pastors. The one who has a big church in one of Nairobi’s green serene estates. You’ve seen her? Yes, that one.

This incredibly beautiful and sophisticated girl is mommy pastor’s lapdog. Her life is all about mommy pastor. Where mommy pastor goes to preach, she holds the Bible as mommy pastor adjusts her wig.

Readers, you complain bitterly when we put Kanyari’s photo on Daily Nation’s front page but I think you are all a bunch of hypocrites. Kanyari could be a conman, maybe I don’t know.

But what I know for sure is that these high-end mommy pastors are the Kanyaris of Kenya’s middle class. As your house girls and poor relatives from Eastlands flock Kanyari’s church to give their Sh 310 seed, their bosses – these sophisticated Kilimani moms – flock their classy versions of Kanyari on Forest road, Langata road and Karen to give their Sh 31,000 seed.

These mommy pastors you love so much are just Kanyaris with lipstick and high heels.

CONWOMEN

I am never going to tire warning you against these conwomen. You can curse me if you like, I really don’t care. They can sue me and the company to the last dime, it is a multi-billion blue-chip company, anyway.

That mommy pastor you foolishly adore is nothing more than an astute businesswoman preying on your insecurities. Women have a lot of issues, I have come to realize.

They have deep-seated insecurities to do with their self-esteem and self-confidence. Especially the divorcee types, the ones who were once married to irresponsible, philandering cads. I get you. I really do. I understand the struggle and maybe my fertile imagination could help me figure the pain of being left for a younger woman.

I have a remote idea how lonely these divorcee types must feel after losing that marriage. I empathize with you, and my heart bleeds for you. Yes, I do have a heart, contrary to popular belief around here.

But I am telling the truth that your family and your husbands will never tell you – that mommy pastor is a lying fraud. She does not give a damn about you and what you are going through. She does not empathize with you as she would have you believe. She just wants your money.

Now, reports reaching my ears is that there is a committee to ‘dress’ one of these local mommy pastors. What are you stupid women smoking over there? A committee to dress your mommy pastor? Who bewitched you, silly women?

These mommy pastors you believe so much, these con women you adore all over social media, these women you would take a bullet for, would not even take a blow for you. Why are you crossing oceans for a con artist who would never jump over a puddle for you?

MOTHERLY LOVE

Yeah, I know she will come visit you in hospital when you are sick and lay her hands on you. I know she will come to your house to pray for you and your husband before you start that mjengo project and cut the ribbon and pop champagne after your mjengo is done. But she only visits you in hospital because you are a key investor in her church, through your tithes, offering and seed. She only comes to your house because you live in a nice estate and because you look rich. Try lose your job and move to Eastlands and tell me if mommy pastor will soil her heels with Donholm mud.

These mommy pastors seem nice and caring. They have this motherly appeal that just warms your heart, maybe because you did not find that warmth in your home as you were growing up. I get that.

But that motherly care is just a show they put up. Think of mummy pastor as an actress. A fat actress with a colorful wig, sky-scrapper heels and red nails. That motherly love is her act. When the show is over (just after the fat lady has sung) mommy pastor will take off her wig, wipe the sweat off her receding, weave-trodden hairline and sleep like a baby because she knows she has millions in the bank.

She will play golf on Mondays and have Spa Tuesdays and Friday shopping sprees as you toil in the office, struggling to achieve those targets and break even in your small businesses.

I know religion is a safe place. Karl Marx called it ‘the opium of the people’. I know mommy pastors tell you what you want to hear, that your cheating husband will change. But, she is not God. If you are depressed, see a shrink. If you a sick, see a doctor. If you need unconditional love and a true friend, get a dog.

Don’t bankroll the lavish lifestyle of a semi-illiterate mommy pastor with a heavy accent.