BLOG: How I learnt my lesson never to support a man
See I once dated a guy. By the time I moved out of home, graduated, got my first permanent job, had my first car, started my business and NGO all in a span of three years, he was still hustling and staying with his parents. On the surface, nothing wrong with that.
All this time, we didn’t date but we were close, I had friendzoned him????.
So now we hit an above 3 yrs of knowing each other and one time over coffee he asked to get to know me more. I had my reservations but decided no problem. I can date him then we can ‘fix’ what’s missing in my man.
A few months down the line we had an honest conversation about why he wasn’t getting a good job despite him being a graduate and with good papers. He told me he doesn’t know why and he has handed his CV to practically everyone or any organization that he thought could employ him.
I asked for his CV. I went through it and in just a few minutes decided it was bullshit. It actually was. Typos… Redundant info.. Si me and my Eng litt (English Literature) came into play and I packaged it for him. The agreement was hence forth, all his job applications will go through me before he forwards just to make sure everything is okay.
I asked him how he goes to his interviews and maybe he should show me what he wore the last time he had an interview. He did. His dressing was not matching his qualifications and the jobs he was interviewing for. I couldn’t also victimize him coz (because) he didn’t have much money either. So a few days later, I bought him two pair of shoes, three suits, shirts, belts and everything to match (they cost a fortune, ghai! I didn’t care. I was supporting my man). Talk about holding your man down. ????
MUM IN HOSPITAL
About two weeks after this, his mum was taken ill and admitted to hosi (hospital) for a week. Since she had known me (his whole family did), and since I was in town and had a car … I took (meals) to the hospital to his mum .. from breakfast, lunch supper etc. When she was released from the hospital, I paid part of the hospital bill, shopped for her and dropped her home. Everyone was thankful. See, I never grew up with my parents and having someone I could call mum melted my heart. She called me daughter. I did everything genuinely after all, this was my mother-in-law. So I thought.
Boyfriend was still trynna (trying to) get a job. I got wind of some employment opportunity at a government agency. Once I had full info, I told him about it. I guess since he had tried for long, he was dejected and reluctant to apply. So I applied for him, all he did was give the photocopies required and to sign. I used his email to deliver soft copies and to apply online then gave courier services the hard copies. I gave him a photocopy to keep. He just left them on my desk at work?????. A month later, a call came through. He got the job. Like that. (I still have no idea why there was no interview). He was to report to work three days later. That means he had to relocate to Nai (Nairobi). I was based in Kisii. We went to his home and shared the news with his parents over dinner.
Long story. I supported ‘my man’ ???????in moving and through the first three months till he got his salary boom. Then he moved houses ?????.
Communication got strained. He was busy. I understood. Even at night, evening, morning all the time. I gave up chasing him with calls and texts and moved on with life. Painfully.
He called one evening, eight months into his job, and told me he is coming over the weekend for us to talk. Both of us arrived at the venue in our cars. He came a different person. Guy looking fine. Had bought his first car. Polished like the image I had seen of him when he was struggling, and kept encouraging him. I was broken coz (because) of the strained relationship, but soo proud of him.
He didn’t even hug me. Nope. After about thirty minutes of awkward directionless conversations to fill up the cold evening, he dropped the bombshell. He can’t see the future with me. ?????. His reasons were simple:
1. He had no dreams of marrying a single mom. He can’t raise a child that is not his.
2. His church can’t approve of our relationship or wedding coz reason 1 above and am Catholic. So… I will have to convert to SDA.
3. His family, does not approve of our relationship. Yes even his parents.
4. He has already committed himself to someone else and they’d be wedding early the following year and he doesn’t want to break her heart. Swinging some ring on his finger (do men get engagement rings too?)
After saying that, he put 2000/- on the table for our drinks and to fuel my car back. ?????? He said he was in a hurry to meet his fiancee. I gave him back the cash. Went to the cashier, paid the bill with my cash and left.
I hated myself. Hated single motherhood and cried endlessly about how it has robbed me my man. I took leave from work for two weeks. During that time, I didn’t do anything other than cry and cry to sleep. I was broken beyond rock bottom. I don’t know what I did wrong and desperately wanted to hear him out. Just so I could have closure. After assuming my calls, he picked one evening and called me malaya (sex worker), pathetic and good for nothing. ??????? Wow!!!
It gave me the strength I needed to get over my pity party. Knowing how much I had done for him only for this to happen, I snapped out of my pain. Took a shower, went out that night, took all the cocktails I wanted to and danced the night away till 4am. The following day, I showed up at work looking like financial stability.
On Friday, this week after so long, he called cried and told me that losing me was the worst mistake of his life and that he can do anything to have me back. ??????I don’t know where the fiancee disappeared to. Today his mum called to ‘check’ on me. ?????? I don’t know what’s happening that side of the world but they clearly need ‘saviour’.
I never date my Ex.
Do I regret doing any of that for someone who later treated me like garbage? No, I’m glad I impacted someone’s life positively. It helped me realize that I can build my man up irrespective of whomever I choose to have, if he has the basics to work with. Can I do the same? Yes, only my husband. And again, when you love someone you wish them the best and go out of your way to help them if you can.
Men are gold diggers too, they only call it holding your man down. I ain’t doing any of that shit. I learnt the hard way.