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Nairobi mums reveal hilarious experiences with visitors

Hosting visitors in Nairobi in never a task for the fainthearted. In most cases it is unavoidable but nevertheless requires patience and grit.

Nairobi women shared their hilarious experiences of hosting friends and family in their houses.

It all started with a post on the Facebook group Kilimani Mums (where else) where women were asked to share their experiences with visitors.

Here are some of the ordeals shared;

“My visitor alikula ugali ya watu wa tatu yote peke yake,na ni usiku,am tell tulikula Mboga plain.”

“This kagal friend of mine came visiting, morning I woke up prepared breko then nkatoka kufua inje.. Sema mtoi kuniita ati wapi sausage yangu na bread bet me ohh i prepared 4sausages and toasted a whole bread nilipata hakuna sausage ata moja na mkate slice mbili, niliskia nianguke and wondering kweli huyu ni dame amedish hivi.”

“I went to the shop and left my Sister in law kwa nyumba. Wee kurudi I found her ransacking my cupboard anahesabu ma unga. The other sister in law alinitumania three of her kids without even telling me. Niliskia tu simu ati siz watoi wamesema wamemiss nai wako kwa mat wanakuja… aki na saa hio niko na two weeks after kuzaa…nilimwambia warudi tu na hio mat juu sina house gal…nkt”

“I hosted a lady who was very rude, aliamka akaacha malazi and even had the guts to tell me to remove the bedding. I served her food and she called after kumaliza that I clear the table and she’s a grown woman who was visiting with her husband. I was super mad but I played it cool.”

“Can you believe, someone from this our Kenya, pooped on the floor of the toilet after dinner. He explained that he thought the toilet bowl was too clean and not for pooping. It was his first visit to Nairobi and he was on his way with two other relatives to pay dowry. Another one from London drank all my whisky (1 litre black label) and missed his morning flight because he had vomited on the bed and had human waste all over his clothes. The worst was one who chased the house help all over the house in a rape attempt.”

“My ‘visitor’ sent me to buy something Kwa shops, closed the door from inside, started ransacking my house, I had to wait outside for more than 10 minutes afungue. When he opened he was in a hurry to leave, didn’t even ask for what he’d sent me kwa shop. Mwizi.”

:Mwingine alikam kwangu, kuingia kwa bafu kuoga akatumia shaver yangu…i was totally surprised alafu hata hafichi evidence…aliacha manywele kwa shaver,kwa soap na kwa bafu…very disturbing…hata brush nilitupa niliona hiyo pia imetumika.SMH”

“Kuna day my stingy brother in law brought his girlfriend kwangu tulikua tunadondoa saga. Supper ilikua ready, so tukaleta food and she be like, “sikulangi skuma, si niliona mkitengeza saga” we told her hio saga ni ya kesho coz our food ilikua inapikwa by the tym walikua wanakuja. nikasema apewe eggs ati “hio mayai isiekwe nyanya muipike na blueband mob” ???my housegirl alimsho madam hata chali yako huyu hajanunua kitu hapa, muitishe hio doh ununue maziwa mala. Niliambia my in law point blank huyu dem halali kwangu ilibidi watravel that night kurudi kwao.”

“My bathroom na toilet zimeshika so my friend alikuja na chali spent the night at my place…wakaoga usiku and morning before before watoke I was so tired that night nikalala mpaka 9 morning kuamka nikapata walienda kumbe hao watu ni wale wakukojoa kwa bafuu kulikuwa kuna nuka ungesema ni public toilet, ile kuosha niliosha since then sipendi wageni wakulala kwangu.

“I travel alot so one day my house help complained that ooh mama kama hauko wageni wakikuja wananitenda kutenda, I asked hubby and he said even his clothes disappear in the house, one time a notorious one came after greetings he sat me down and started telling me what he eats and doesnt eat, like I don’t take eggs, potatoes, rice, etc. I had prepared ‘aliya’ made it well the traditional way. I gave my house help money to go and buy potatoes because we are going to have it with rice. Saa ya kula ilibidi niingie fridge mimi ndio huyo na maji baridi ya kunawa mkono. Mpaka leo no gives me instructions in my house coz they know am a mad woman.”

“Some friend of hubby wakakuja nkiwa siko,akaingia kwa hao na viatu.aki carpet yangu .I ask in a polite way why he’s in my house with his shoes on akaniambia “Kim alipatanga wife wa kungarisha nyumba” nlimgonga hiyo macho na padlock nlikuwa nimeshika hakuamini and I told him to wacha pesa ya kuosha iyo madamu yake na nauchafu ya viatu kwa carpet yangu my baby crawls on it. Apo alijua hatupendi ujinga #saitan.

“Those women who can’t flash someones toilet! kijimama kinakuja kwako, found your toilet very clean kinakojoa and leave the tissue bila kuflash,sometimes am left wondering, is this what they do kwa manyumba zao?? Nikijua kwa wenyewe hadi choo I avoid going!!! argh!”