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My husband of 7 years is gay

Dear Michael,
I recently found out that my husband of seven years was cheating on me. I had hoped that we could go through it and save our marriage, until I discovered that he was cheating on me with a man.

How do I deal with the fact that I’ve been married to a man who is gay all this time? And does this mean my marriage is over?

Cheryl

Dear Cheryl,

Sexual unfaithfulness is devastating. The effect cannot be understated. Your willingness to go through it and save your marriage is admirable.

Recovering from the devastation of marital unfaithfulness is a painstaking journey. Your marriage can recover, but it does not depend on you alone.

You and your husband have to both want to restore your marriage. You seem prepared. You would need to ask your husband what he wants. 

His response may or may not be immediate and since you are willing to work on the marriage, I would encourage you to wait for his response. 

You will then be in a better position to make decisions going forward. You seem even more devastated by the fact that he has been unfaithful with a man. 

Possibly feeling confused? Not knowing what you did wrong? Feeling like you can’t even begin ‘righting’ yourself because he has cheated on you with a man and you’re a woman. 

There is no doubt that it takes two to tangle so you do have a part to play in his wandering from the marriage, but he is definitely responsible for his decision to be unfaithful, with a man or a woman. 

Let him decide whether it is going to be you or the man going forward. 

Irrespective of his decision, you both need professional help to address the realities that have become known to both of you —that your husband has had an affair with a man, and for him, that you and possibly more people know.

If he decides that he wants the marriage to heal, then you will need to go through the process together. But you each need to address issues separately.

Sexual intimacy in marriage marks the sealing of exclusive intimacy between two people that already comprises spiritual, intellectual and emotional intimacy.

Your marriage is not over, unless you and your husband unilaterally or both choose it to be so.

Do you have a pressing personal problem? Seek advice from Michael Oyier at [email protected]