Nairobi News

They call themselves “goat wives” on social media. These are the women who are legally married or having been shacking up so long, they are married in the eyes of society. Any woman who dares touch one of their own, by daring to date their men, usually gets the backlash online and is automatically branded a ‘homewrecker’. The goat wives insist they will stay put as long as the man is meeting his financial obligations. Never mind HIV, HPV and a host of other STIs are as real as it gets (but that’s a story for another day.)

We had an interesting conversation with a male colleague, let’s call him Brayo* who was complaining about his friend’s side chick because she was acting like ‘a wife’ and had started nagging him. “She now keeps tabs on my boy and wants to know where he is when not with her or the wife,” complained my friend. Wait… I really hate this ‘wifey box’ men place a woman once she graduates from being girlfriend to wife. But unfortunately, my friend tells me it exists.

“You see, when I go to my clande’s (mistress/side chick) house, she first welcomes me and asks me what I would want to have. In contrast, my wife will not even notice I’ve come home,” narrates Brayo. But, surely, don’t you think you are being selfish as the wife is as tired as you and cannot afford to be a great host every day, I ask? “Don’t you think the mistress is equally tired? What counts is when a woman goes out of her way to minimise the noise and make the home environment conducive. Women should learn a thing or two from the other woman,” he suggests.

Brayo admits that the other woman is not necessarily better than wifey and she most probably will never replace the main woman but she sure keeps the married man coming back by meeting a need the wife isn’t meeting or is too busy to. Clearly, the side chick’s moral compass doesn’t exactly point North but she sure does know a thing or two. Get your notebooks “goat wives” we see how we can beat her at her own game.

1. This girl is fun to hang around
Of course she knows this is a short-lived affair and has learned to make the best of it. She makes sure he feels safe and welcome in her house. She’s always excited to see him. She utilises all her five senses: Touch. Sight. Taste. Hearing. Smell. And ensures the guy is always looking forward to seeing her.

2. She affirms him

She is your one-woman cheering squad. She will encourage you when down and will appreciate and praise when you are winning in life or when you do something for her. She will shower you with compliments. This girl is good for your ego, I tell you.

3. She takes an interest in what he loves
Even if jazz isn’t her preferred genre of music, she will accompany you to that concert. Or she will join the gym to be your partner or even follow a football match. She understands the power of shared hobbies and interests and their potential to bring people closer.

4. She’s no Judge Judy
The man feels safe telling her his darkest secrets, ambitions, fears and desires because she does not judge him and he knows they will not be used against him in future.

5. This girl takes care of her body
She understands that a man is visual and takes her time to work out, do her hair and dress nicely. She understands the power of femininity and ensures she does look beautiful for her man… sorry, your man.

6. She is submissive
Not the doormat type of ‘you are free to do whatever you want with me’ kind. No. She listens keenly, seeking your opinions and making you feel important. She makes you feel needed as she knows that every man wants to feel needed by the woman in his life.

7. She enjoys the simple pleasures of life
She knows she’s on a clock and loves like there’s no tomorrow, literally. She will appreciate the little pleasures he give her and makes sure he know. Since she lives in the moment, he is not bogged down with expectations that he might not be able to fulfil.

8. She’ll rarely reject his sexual advances
She’ll even go the extra mile and initiate intimacy making him feel wanted. She is not also restricted to the four walls of the bedroom and is open to new positions and places. She also shows up dripping of sex appeal in sexy lingerie.

9. Perfect timing
She reads his mood like a book and knows when to ask for favours from him without ambushing and making him see her like a nag.

And before you start with the ‘all men are the same’ speech, when you actually think about it, this woman is just doing exactly what you did in the earlier days of your relationship. When you were open to adventure. Oh, and don’t begin with the ‘we are now parents’ speech either, some of these side chicks have one or two kids too and they still manage to juggle the roles. The side chick has nothing on you. She’s only meeting your man’s needs and his craving for admiration and respect… think about all the history and memories you and hubby have created. You know your hubby in a way she might never know. How does she measure up to that? And anyway, how many men have you heard who actually leave goat wife for side chick?