Nairobi News

Sometime in 2019 just before the year came to a close, I had coffee with two friends; a lady and a guy. The lady was in a relationship where the husband beat her up like a bag of beans (sic).

By the way, domestic violence can leave you not only with physical wounds but with a badly dented self-esteem and at worst dead. The emotional wounds inflicted also take a long time to heal.

When I was 20, I dated a guy who beat me to a pulp and it’s taken most of my adult life to rise above poor self-esteem.

But that’s not the relevance of our discussion today… a question that was posed by our dude pal is what triggers our conversation today.

“What do you do for him to beat you?” he asked the poor chic who was looking for solace from us, her friends.

Daaaaymn!

It’s like asking a rape survivor what she was wearing when she was raped.

Such questions are passive-aggressive and plain judgmental. They shift the blame from the perpetrator to the survivor and should be left in 2019.

While at it, let’s look at a few more questions that are not only insensitive but belong in the archives.

1. When are you going to have kids?

I honestly find this one totally inappropriate. A couple gets married and one or two years later all their friends and family… and nosy a society want to know when they will be parents. Who made you a family planning manager?

Today more than ever, the number of couples with fertility issues is on the rise.

Perhaps that friend you keep taunting with that annoying question cannot even bear children.

People are struggling to get babies and all your nosy self can do is add salt to injury? Why are you making their reproductive plans your business?

Stop pressuring people to get a baby… get one yourself!

Also, has it occurred to you that some people do not actually want to get a child? Yes, and they are happy that way.

2. When are you getting Baby Number Two?

“You should get another child so your kids ‘grown up together’. When is baby number two coming?”

Please!

This is an annoying cousin of ‘When are you going to have kids’? At times, a woman is not able to conceive again after her first child. She can get a gynaecological problem that can lead to secondary infertility.

Kids come from God and He gives them to us at His own time.

So please, acheni pressure! Besides, there is also that group of people who are okay with one child.

3. What did you do for him to hit you?

Yeah, like I said earlier, such questions belong hukoooo… in the Amazon jungle. You don’t hit a person when they are down. I’m of the school of thought that if a woman pisses you off, walk.

So don’t use that line that she ‘provoked’ me. How about you just walk away? It’s always safer and saves you a lot of unnecessary trouble.

Don’t hit a woman and when you come across one who’s been through the hands of such a man, don’t ask her what she ‘did’.

That question sounds like there’s a certain action that warrants a beating.

And anyway, some men will hit a woman out of their own insecurities or because they are just violent men. Period.

4. What was she wearing? (when it happened).

This is usually directed at rape survivors. Another ignorant question. It’s like we don’t hear of men raping innocent children who can barely put an outfit together.

Some actions have nothing to do with what the survivor did or didn’t do and all about the character of the aggressor.

So what she was wearing is as irrelevant as that question.

5. When are you getting married?

*Eyes roll* If you don’t know, neither do I. You’d think such people have plans of sponsoring your wedding while all they are doing is make you feel like you’ve failed.

Please, abeg… have you gotten a wife or husband for me or where are you going with this question? Hahaha!

Do such people know how we are hoping and praying to get a good spouse?

6. Is it that time of the month?

This one is the ultimate. Now in your ignorance, you want to bring me down because of a normal monthly occurrence?

If I’m having a bad day, it probably has nothing to do with my period. Probably my boss pissed me off or I could be unwell or maybe I just don’t wanna talk to you.

7. Aren’t you too old for that?

Do you know how old Trump was when he became Mr President? 70 years 220 days. And you think I’m too old to make a career change or to start a new gig or to re-invent myself, which could include changing my wardrobe and perhaps rock what you and society think I should not wear?

Let people be.

Of course I don’t mean you wear what the teens are wearing, but if you choose to add a little sexy into your wardrobe at whatever age, what’s anyone’s problem, again?

8. How many partners have you had?

Who was counting? But seriously, are you dating me or my previous partners? And are you expecting the truth, anyway?

Besides, it is a new decade and body count is reset every decade.

Hahaha!

Bonus question:

9. Was it good?

Hmmm… the sex was off the charts! But seriously, do you imagine for a moment I will tell you otherwise? Well, eeeeeh you are still lying next to me and I’m not sure how you’d react if I said it wasn’t good.

So stop asking and assume the answer is yes. And if you are doubting yourself, it is important to up your game and more importanter to learn to ‘read’ your partner and learn what they want… and give them that instead!

Every time you are itching to ask someone a question, pause and reflect; ask yourself: Is this an appropriate question or an annoying one?

Unless you are really close to someone, some questions are none of your business, especially those related to fertility decision, marital situations, family size or career ambitions. Most of these are based on personal choices, which by the way, you owe no one an explanation about.

Happy 2020 folks!