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Letter to my hubby-to-be

It is about 12.30pm. I am at work pretending to be busy yet all I am doing is thinking about you. We have probably met, or yet to meet at the petrol station or at the car wash.

Maybe we will meet one rainy night on Thika Road when I bump into your Mercedes. Or we will meet at the coffee shop downstairs when I slip and pour my coffee on your expensive suit. Don’t blame me, I am a hopeless romantic. 

As you can imagine, a girl like me has undeniably a lot of suitors hot on her heels (I am not bragging). While you are away, I have been going on dates and been disappointed.

I have also been in relationships and got my heart broken a few times. I wouldn’t deny that I haven’t been guilty of breaking a few hearts as well.

I thought I should write you a letter to let you know of the few expectations I have in mind — more like terms and conditions that will come with your becoming ‘Mr Njoki’.

Wedding a must: I know men hate weddings, but I must get married in a church — not a garden — but my local church. Having grown up in church, I have such traditional parents whose greatest joy is seeing their little girl walk down the aisle. And she must not be pregnant.

Therefore, please bear with me when I insist that you must declare your love for me before God and man. I don’t want a big fat wedding.

A simple, intimate ceremony will do because I would rather we went on an expensive honeymoon than spend too much impressing people who won’t like us anyway.

The finer things in life: You must work hard. I will not marry a lazy, poor man. I am assuming that if I have agreed to marry you, then you must be well moneyed.

I am sorry if I sound like a gold-digger, but love never filled a child’s tummy. Therefore, you must provide that good life I have always dreamt of.

Our children (I want one, but I know you’ll want two, so we can compromise) must attend good schools. Therefore, prepare yourself to cough out good money when it comes to educating Chege and Wairimu.

Our palatial home must be in a leafy suburb and I will not agree to drive my small car once I am married to you. I advise you to start investing now.

Dad in the picture: Learn to deal with this; if I have decided to marry you, then daddy must really, and I mean really like you. He must have called you son at least once or twice, in that coded language to show me that he approves of you.

My dad and I are inseparable, we talk four to five times a day and we text and WhatsApp each other a lot. Don’t start getting jealous because were it not for daddy, you wouldn’t have a wife.

Your mother: She could become my best friend or worst enemy. Mothers of men I have dated before tend to like me even though they thought my dresses were a little too short and heels too high.

I am not the type to pretend to wear those long, sweeping kitenge dresses when meeting potential mothers-in-law — it’s just not in me to pretend.

Therefore, should your mother like or dislike me, I want you to promise me that the leading lady in your life will always be me and you will always take my side. In the same breath, I don’t want to fight for your attention with our daughter. 

Your boys: They will always be your boys, I have already accepted that. However, do not stay out beyond midnight on weekends and past 9pm on weekdays.

Oh, and you must send me a text and attach a selfie on WhatsApp of you and your boys — just to make sure we are not lying to each other.

The text message should go like “Honey, I am at ‘X’ place with George (left) and Wachira (right), and I will be home by midnight”.

 

Be warned future husband, I am tech-savvy and I can use GPS tracker just to ensure that you are not in a servant’s quarter somewhere.

Should you miss your curfew three of four times, I will I will effect this rule: ‘Coitus is at 10pm, whether you are home or not,’ and I intend to make good that rule.

That should be all for now. In the meantime, I will keep vigil and always look my best and wear lip-gloss, especially in traffic or at the car wash, waiting to meet you.

If I have already met you and you are reading this, don’t take too long to put a ring on my finger.

All my love.

The future Mrs…