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I don’t want to live at my husband’s home

Dear Michael,
I am confused. My husband is Tanzanian and wishes his family to move there. However, he is a mama’s boy and has refused to move out of his parents’ home.

I don’t want to be shipped into his parents home because I will not be able to make any decisions when he is around his mum. The friction has caused me to have two miscarriages and I’m emotionally and physically tired.

Ruth
Dear Ruth,

Any circumstance that would lead to two miscarriages and emotional and physical fatigue is serious. Without jumping the gun, this calls for a change in attitude and courageous action.

You say your husband is Tanzanian, presuming that you are not Tanzanian, but of different nationality, and you’re not living in Tanzania.

The matter you present would have the same effect as long as it involves a significant distance in travel, and living in his parents’ house.

You have described your husband as a ‘mama’s boy’, and that he ‘refuses’ to move out of his parents’ home. Aren’t there cultures that believe in living in one home with parents, and the authority of the parents, till death ends the set-up?

Even if that is not the case, you are now faced with having to move. Will you or will you not move with your husband?

Depending on religious and cultural persuasion, that is not even a matter for debate. Probably, the conflict in your mind concerning this is the reason you are extremely stressed.

I am obviously not aware of your husband’s perspective on the matter, but let us look at your options. What happens if you don’t move with your husband? What happens if you move with your husband?

In either case, as I suggested initially, you would have to demonstrate great courage and resolve which, apart from needing faith, would call for a well-founded and personally owned decision.

This would have to be strong enough to carry you through the toughest times that each choice would present. Whatever your choice, you will have to change your attitude to one or more aspects of life.

For instance, not moving could require a change in attitude toward husband and wife being in the same place. Moving, on the other hand, would require a change of attitude toward the autonomy of a wife within her home.

Ruth, you might want to begin evaluating the possibility of shifting your position with regard to beliefs in light of the cost and benefit of holding on too tightly to your own.

The reasons for the move need to be clear to you both as you make this decision that will affect your daughter’s development, and your health.