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Gents, here is how to spot a ‘chips funga’

They come, in different shapes and sizes. They pamper you with love (or is it lust) in a club and the next moment she is snoring beside you in your apartment.

If you are lucky, the ‘chips funga’ disappears before cock crow and if your stars are not right, she hangs around for the better part of the day. And when you are completely unlucky, you wake up to an empty house, drugged and robbed. Then you sit on the floor wondering how all this started.

And because it’s my responsibility to be my brothers’ keeper, I chose to enlighten you on how to spot a ‘chips funga’ and run, as fast as your legs can carry you. Unless waking up to a total stranger or getting robbed sits well with you.

1. Offers to buy you drinks – Nothing is for free in this world my friend. I also think that no man worth his salt should accept a free drink from a lady he has met for the first time 15 minutes ago.

Not that ‘chips fungas’ have lots of money to go buying people drinks. They are luring you with it, their eyes on the price. They know everybody likes free stuffs.

Gents, when a stranger woman offers you a drink, laugh it off and offer her one yourself.

2. Talks about herself – If you strike a conversation with a stranger and she starts to talk about her six digits pay slip job or business, how she hangs out with who is who, how she lives in a leafy suburb, buddy be warned.

We all know it is the nature of women to talk (much) but there is a difference between talking and bragging. She is trying to win your confidence and do away with any doubts you could be having on her.

3. Is all over you – No woman falls in true love that quickly, even the Kalenjins who are the marathon legends. Dude, if you give in to this kind of woman who is caressing you 10 minutes after meeting her, you are dead meat.

She is holding your hand as if her life depends on it. She only wants to use you for a night and steal your new flat screen TV. Want to be safe? Run baby, run!

4. Calls you sweet nothings – Baby, sweetheart, cupcake, honey and others are words usually not so well meaning coming from half a stranger.

A ‘chip funga’ will baby you to loosen the hard nuts and you will think that heaven has come. That finally the devils have decided to cooperate and bring a partner your way.

Punde si punde, you won’t believe your eyes the following morning.