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CITY GIRL: Wanted – 25 reasons why I need a boyfriend

It is 10:37pm. Wednesday. December 24. I have spent the better part of the day hanging out with my crazy friends, eating kuku choma like there’s no tomorrow.

After all, as my friends say “ni Christmas!”. I have also spent the better part of the day entertaining a disturbing thought at the back of mind: I have a deadline for this column and I have to write it before Christmas.

I have a long drive tomorrow morning starting at 6am. Yet here I am, clubbing and gyrating my backside as if I have nothing in the world to  worry about.

I am in a noisy bar on Kiambu Road, with my buddies Karis, Mithamo and Paulo; punching away this column on my phone while waiting for the third round of kuku choma.  My phone is dying and with only 14 per cent of charge remaining, I will delve right into the piece.

Seven days ago, Jane Gordon, a writer for British tabloid Daily Mail wrote a heart-warming piece on 50 reasons why she needs a man.

As a single city girl, tired of being on bad dates, I thought I should do a local version on why I need a man. A good man. Mine are only 25 reasons:

1. To help me fix that bathroom bulb that is way up there, beyond my reach.

2. I need a man to bring me that nice herbal tea they serve at Java when I am battling a serious bout of flu.

3. To help me zip up my dress in the morning. It will save me the comical, time-wasting antics I do in the morning, as I dress up.

4. I need a man to take my car for service at the garage. And to help me figure out what was that funny noise I heard emerging from the left front wheel.

5. I need a guy to me buy flowers and expensive dinners on my birthdays. Not that my last birthday was boring, I just need a constant birthday partner.

6. To surprise me with a spa treatment after sitting my exams.

7. I need a fun partner for road trips. Oh, and since I don’t drink alcohol and can drive relatively well, I will drive you as you take your booze. Because with me, you are assured of a designated driver.

8. A boyfriend to sing along with to that soulful Bill Withers’ song “Lean on me” – and mean every word, that he can lean on me as I can lean on him, that I’ll be his friend, and help him carry on forth….

9. I need a boyfriend to help me flip my ugali on the plate. That hot sufuria always burns my fingers!

10. I need a boyfriend who my nieces and nephew will love. I need company to keep me busy as I take them swimming.

11. I need a guy to help me tell if the beef stew is over salted.

12. I need a man to confiscate all the sugary stuff I have hidden in various corners in my house. Oh, one to tell me that eating ice cream in bed at midnight is a bad idea.

13. A boyfriend who will tell me how nice my bum looks in that yellow dress. Hahaha

14. A boyfriend to lend me his hat in the middle of the night at the club.

15. A guy who will defend me on Twitter when everybody is attacking my articles. Must also defend me at the club when plus sized girls spot me and walk over to ask me why I have been telling them the hard truth.

16. A boyfriend to call when I have a flat tire on the superhighway.

17. A boyfriend to go to church with and gossip with about the couple seated next to us afterwards.

18. A boyfriend to hang out with on weekends in my house. Doing absolutely nothing.

19. A boyfriend who will do to me that thing that I like very much. You know what I mean? Yes that one!

20. A boyfriend to annoy me and cause me to occasionally consider setting his Italian suits on fire.

21. A boyfriend to dance with in the house and learn cool moves that we will later show off at the club.

23. A boyfriend to give my mum hope that one day I will walk down the aisle. Before 40.

24. A boyfriend that I will surprise at his workplace with a cake on his birthday

25. Finally, a boyfriend to annoy, infuriate, heap my stress on, show him lots of drama, threaten to dump and still call me the next day, to tell me he is standing outside my door with Vanilla ice cream.

If you are a tall, dark – skinned, stylish man who smells of designer cologne, wears nice brown suede boots and a matching belt, wears fitting jeans has a nice cap that I can occasionally borrow, and you drink fine whiskey and doesn’t smoke, then I am your girl.

Men on Instagram need not bother to apply. I don’t date losers.