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CITY GIRL: The mystery married man with a BMW X5

In the apartment block where I live, we noticed the other day a swanky looking BMW X5 that clearly doesn’t fit in my neighbourhood.

Not that I live in some godforsaken apartments in Roysambu or Ruaka. It’s just that where I live, the cars that ‘fit’ that neighbourhood are average Toyotas like the ISTs, Vitz, NZE’s, Mark IIs, Premios, Mark X and the occasional stray blue Subaru that we throw stones at as soon as we see one.

Anyway, it was a lazy Saturday morning when I saw this jet-black magnificent beast parked outside our gate. I smiled as I dismissed it as probably one of those married men who had lied to his wife that he had gone for a conference ‘out of town’ only to spend time with his clande, the girl on 5th floor.

I mean, we are used to these kind of things— that Toyota Prado parked outside a Servants Quarters in South B or the Mercedes S class parked outside a random poorly painted apartment in Donholm.

I predicted that the BMW would be parked there for about two more hours before the owner takes the walk of shame from the two-bedroom apartment to his car and speed off to his plush home in Karen or Runda.

WEEKEND OF FUN AND GAMES

How wrong I was! The BMW X5 stayed parked outside our gate the entire weekend and left very early on Monday morning. Poor girl, lucky man! I thought to myself. A whole weekend! An entire weekend of fun and games? Who gets that lucky?

Imagine my shock, the next weekend when the same scene played out all over again. BMW X5 this time was parked on Thursday evening and left on Tuesday morning.

“Must be the driver of some hotshot politician who recently moved in,” but I was wrong. The owner of the BMW X5 was a fairly youthful and stylish man probably 35 years old, too short for my liking and a little too heavy for my preference.

He looked nothing like politicians’ drivers who don oversize borrowed suits and cliché shoes. When I peeped through my window to get a glimpse of him as he was coming down the stairs, I did not see a wedding ring.

But he looked married alright. I can smell a married man a mile away. Smartly dressed, a bit of weight from wife’s cooking and the colour coordination of various hues of purple in his jacket and shirt were clearly the doing of a long-suffering wife. Single men don’t pull off such carefully appointed outfits.

He was on phone, saying “Nimetoka Nakuru leo, wacha tuongee nikifika, sawa?” (I have come from Nakuru today, let’s talk when I return. Okay?)

ANGRY WIFE

My exemplary investigative skills that put the CIA to shame revealed that he     was either talking to his wife or a debtor. But since he looks fairly rich, I doubt the latter. So it must have been talking to his wife. A very angry wife, she must be.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been six months since we first sighted ‘the beast’— the beloved BMW X5— and I can confidently report that it appears in our apartment every Friday night and leaves on Monday at 6am. The beast appears on time, with clockwork precision and this, my friends, has left the snoopy me aghast with shock and disbelief for two reasons.

First, who is this married man that spends so much time at his clande’s house and secondly, why does he keep his clande in such an average apartment as ours while he drives a Sh3 million car?

He cannot possibly be a single guy because if he drives such a nice car, he should be living in those upmarket apartments on Riverside Drive and the girl in our apartment should be the one spending her weekends at his house. Not vice versa.

WHERE IS MY HUSBAND APP

Either this man is the meanest married boyfriend who drives a Sh3 million car and lets his clande live in a Sh30,000 apartment, or his wife is the sorriest case of a wife who has never cared to use the ‘Where is my husband’ phone application to keep track of her man.

Have you seen that app, by the way? It records your husband’s heartbeat and blood pressure besides tracking his movement. So when his heartbeat and blood pressure are at an all-time high, then you know he’s been in a cookie jar he wasn’t supposed to be in! You are welcome, married women.

Back to my BMW X5 mystery man. This man makes me very angry because he is giving other married men who have clandes a hard time. He is poisoning the pool for the other married men who want their covert affairs to remain just that, secret. He has let his guard down and he is about to score an own goal.

First, he parks his car in the open outside his clande’s apartment— which is a big no-no, and secondly, he has allowed his clande’s neighbours to see his face. If I saw him now with his wife and children at Galleria Mall, I’d give him the ‘I-know-your-sins’ look.

Dear, Mr Married Man Who Drives a BMW X5 and parks it in an average apartment somewhere in Nairobi, I am watching you. I have my little imaginary friend here called ‘Trouble’ and we are watching you very closely.

For now, if you are looking for me, find me at peeping from my window holding a can of popcorn, waiting for the drama to unfold.