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CITY GIRL: How to be the ultimate Nairobi Chic

Being a young female in Nairobi is tough. I should know, I am one of them. Your life is centred on your looks, the size of your posterior, the number of young men pursuing you, the number of followers on Twitter, the number of ‘likes’ on your Instagram photos and so on and so forth.

Because being a young woman is so hard, I thought I should offer my fellow women in this age bracket a few nuggets of wisdom on how to be the ultimate Nairobi Chic.

1. Looks are everything:
The true mark of the ultimate Nairobi chic is a sizeable posterior. A big, round, firm butt is all you need to succeed in this city.

Your role models should be the likes of Kim Kardashian and closer home, Vera Sidika. My advice; work towards having a big posterior. Enroll in a gym and do those squats. Take the stairs and maximise your gluteal.

Do all these, because nobody ever wrote a song about a small butt. To make sure your posterior is properly exhibited for the world to see, ensure your dress code is tight clothing.

A body-hugging, sheath-like dress outlining all your curves is best. While dressing up, please, do not leave any room for imagination.

It doesn’t matter if the tights are outlining your cellulite and nether regions. That’s the trend and you are a trendy young woman in Nairobi, desperate to keep up.

To complete your Nairobi Chic’s diva look, throw on the weave. This should be at least 13 inches long and a colour that sharply contrasts with your skin tone. Of course, there are other accessories like acrylic nails that you must never forget.

Whatever you do, ensure that you resemble the Kenyan version of Kim Kardashian; humongous posterior, scantily dressed and wavy locks.

2. Go for a photoshoot:
The competition in Nairobi is rife and you must keep all the eyeballs fixated on you. Here’s how; enlist the services of a ‘talented’ photographer and set a date for a photoshoot.

Ensure that you take the photos in the revealing dresses that outline your curves for the entire world to see how blessed and endowed you are.

There is a new trend in photoshoots these days; it is called ‘naked art’. It is nothing serious. It just requires you to strip for the camera and take photos of you in the nude.

If you don’t want to go completely nude, you can cover yourself up in a bikini or a Maasai shuka and just show us a sneak peak or ‘peekaboo’ of your posterior.

Also make sure the photos are heavily photoshopped. Let the ‘talented’ photographer perfect his photoshop skills on your imperfections.

You must appear three shades lighter than your natural black obsidian skin tone in those ‘professional’ photos. Photoshop will make your skin appear smoother and your thighs cellulite-free. Did you know that photoshop also takes a few inches off your fatty waistline? Now you know.

Your professionally done photos must look completely different from the real you, so much that you are unrecognisable in person.

Ensure you upload those pictures on social media, starting with Instagram, then Facebook.

The idea here is to get as many comments of ‘wow, you look so beautiful’ and as many ‘likes’ as is humanly possible. People will judge you when they see those photos.

But don’t worry, they are just jealous of your voluptuous figure. You are the only one with a ‘figure eight’ and you must show them how blessed you are.

3. Social media is the centre of your universe:
You were created for social media. Without social media your life has no meaning. You must therefore be on all social media platforms that matter: Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Instagram is the place to be and I am sure you know how it works.

My advice: Post photos of just about anything happening in your life. Having cheap coffee? Instagram it. Cooking dinner for your boyfriend? Instagram it so that all those other girls can know that your man is taken.

How else will they know? Did he propose? Or you suggested he proposes to you? Instagram it. Don’t forget to attach several hashtags to go with your picture.

The idea here is to make other girls jealous. It is to show that your life is more interesting than that of the rest of us. You should elicit as much envy as you can from the rest of us who cannot afford coffee at Java and don’t have boyfriends.

Still on Instagram, ensure you take photos of yourself from your ‘good side’— you know, from behind — so that we can all see that sizeable posterior that none of us is sitting on. The more ‘likes’ you get on your photo, the happier your life will be.

4. Join a cult:
Nairobi is full of demons and you must exorcise them every Sunday. What a better way than to join a cult? There are many cults in town, like these contemporary churches that start with ‘House of…” or “Jubilation…”?

In joining a cult, ensure that the pastors are young and hippie. The bishop must own a shiny four-wheel drive and the female reverend —most likely his wife —must have a weave that looks like yours.

Don’t bother with mainstream churches like Catholic where you were born and raised up in. They are so boring anyway. Join a cult whose members are preachers by day and fornicators by night, because, aren’t we all sinners?

As a staunch member of that cult, ensure you get close to the female pastor. You want her to pray for you to get a husband like hers, rich and handsome. If not, threaten to steal her husband.

5. Be a socialite:
Never mind that the true meaning of socialite is “a person who has a reputation in upper class society for spending a significant amount of time participating in social activities”.

Be the ultimate Nairobi Socialite. Attend classy events like Masaku Sevens, Blankets and Wine, Koroga Festival and ensure you take as many photos as possible for Instagram.

For Masaku Sevens and Nakuru Sevens, ensure you take along your boyfriend — that college sweetheart who owns an expensive blue car — and canoodle with each other in public.

The rest of us without boyfriends who own very expensive and speedy blue cars need to see what we are missing.

Of course there are other tips like developing a fake accent, getting tattoos and nose-rings that I am sure you know of.

But I guess the greatest piece of advice I would offer all of you is to cultivate an attitude of ‘fake it till you make it’.

You must perfect the art of pretending to be who you are not, all for the sake of fitting in. Hasta la vista, baby!