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CITY GIRL: Here is what women want

Having read tens of articles on what women want in a desperate bid to ‘research’ – as many of you think that I don’t research for my column- I gave up shortly after I realised none of those ‘useless’ online articles was really telling it as it is.

I thought, Why not write from my heart? It has been rumoured that I am slipping into womanhood at an alarming rate, so I think I have the ‘moral authority’ to say what women want. Here goes:

1. We want money: Lots of it. Many women are afraid of articulating this fact loud and clear for fear of being branded a ‘gold-digger’. Not me. Women love money. Women adore money. Women are turned on by money.  And a lot of women would do just about anything to land a man of means.

We may seem all dedicated, loving and caring, professing our love for your great character and leadership skills, but be fooled not brother, it is your money that is working for you.

If you don’t believe, just tell me how many pairs of designer heels a great character will buy and how much of your outgoing personality we will need to pay for a holiday in Dubai.

There are those blatant women who would never be seen with a poor man; I lead that pack. But a good number of women will pretend to love you for your personality while secretly analyse your pocket. I personally have no time to pretend to love a guy who doesn’t have money. It is either you have it or don’t.

We love a man who can spoil us and make our lives comfortable. After all, a real woman can do it on her own, but a real man would never let her.

A man may have a face that only a mother would love, but money makes him handsome overnight and you will be surprised at the babe he will have by his side. So there you have it, men. We love money. We want you to make a lot of money because no woman ever wants to be seen with a loser. Period.

2. We want you to stop showing us that you have options: We know you text other women. We know you meet other women for coffee and lunch when you are at work.

We also know that you are not as hardworking as you claim to be, so all those ‘honey-I-am-working-late stories’ are cock-and-bull. After all, if you were as hardworking as you want us to believe, you’d be more moneyed than you already are.

But even if you do all those cheeky things that men do all the time, we just want you to show us a little respect.

I mean, don’t show us that you have options and for God’s sake, learn to tell a lie and stop making a fool of yourself with lame stories about going to Naivasha with your boys. That lie is so 2010, you need a system upgrade.

Oh, and while you are at it, don’t tell me my friend Shiro is pretty. I know, I have eyes. I can see. Unless you want me to remind you that your buddy Kim looks good.

3. We want you to spend more time with us: All women are possessive. All women are protective. All women are paranoid. Deal with it. Maybe because we’ve heard the saying that ‘the only woman who truly knows where her husband is, is a widow’.

Yes. We want you to spend weekends with us, not with your ‘boys’. Okay, not all the time, but we just want to see you there.

Doing whatever. As long as you are not out there holed up in a servant’s quarter doing God knows what. We want more date nights; more holidays; more quality time. Is that too much to ask?

4 We want you to learn basic phone etiquette: If I call you at a ‘bad time’, may be you are in a meeting with your clients? Text me and call me back.

When we call you and you don’t pick your phone, we sit back, relax and think that “maybe he is in a meeting, he will call me back”. We even don’t mind if you call us six hours later. We know that is the most offensive thing a man can ever do to a woman.

When we call, text and you are unable to speak, follow these instructions carefully. Call. Me. The. Hell. Back. Call me back. Call me Back. Call me back. I said that enough times for you to get it through your head. Call me back, okay? Good. Call me back!

5. We want you to stop coming home at 1:18am unless of course you are:

  • A policeman on night-shift
  • A thug; meaning you are ‘at work’
  • A doctor on night-shift
  • With me after a night out of dancing and partying.

We allow once in a while when you go out with your boys for drinks and come home late, but don’t push it, man.  Don’t provoke us. Don’t do it thrice a week. It is just insulting. We hate it when you wake us up at 1am to open the door for you. No, we won’t allow you to have the house key; we want to keep tabs what time you staggered in.

6. We want to be soothed: To hell with that grown-woman nonsense. All women, whether 40 or 25 are all little girls at heart. And they still enjoy the little things that excite little girls. We want to be pampered. We want to be soothed when we are sulky.

We want to be treated like gems. We want to be treated like precious little girls, even though some of us look like 13 precious little girls bundled in a sack.