Nairobi News

Folks, are you in a relationship? And on social media? Have you wondered how to have a relationship on social media? If I am talking to you then call off the search parties. Stop looking for solutions elsewhere. I am your girl.

1. #SoInLoveWithBae: This is a special appeal to all women on social media. Nothing screams ‘I am in a relationship’ louder than marking your territory on social media. Ensure that you retweet, like and comment on every single social media by and about your man.

Tag your man in all your pictures and Facebook posts so the rest of us single and unhappy women know that the boy is yours.

Tweet him once in a while, like thrice a day. Comment on every post he uploads and make it known that you took that photo.

On your anniversary or birthday, please do not allow us to breathe. Flood our social media timelines with sweet messages and ‘throwback’ photos of the two of you on your wedding day.

Wake up early, just before dawn, to craft a long, nonsensical birthday tribute to your beloved. Tell us how much you love him, how he is your ‘soulmate’ and cap it with photos of the birthday cake and the dinner date later that night.

Oh, don’t worry how late you’ll return from your date, we’ll wait up for you, just to see the pictures.

2. #MovieNightWithBae: It is a jungle out there, and we are all competing to see whose marriage is happier than the next.

Competition is tight, and canvassing is highly encouraged through posting of photos of happy, smiley couples. The more the merrier. Keep us busy.

Feed our eyes into the hallowed private lives of your family. Gone for holiday with your better half? We need to see your matching beach sandals complete with a photo caption ‘His and Hers’.

Are you having a movie night in your house? I am going to require you to upload as many pictures as possible of your popcorn, wine-glass, remote and even television. Are you on a date night at an affordable Chinese restaurant? I need pictures of that too.

3. #RuracioTings: For you to have a successful relationship on Instagram or Facebook, you are highly advised to give us a blow by blow account of every high and low of your relationship.

Be as explicit as you possibly can.

If you are planning to go for your girl’s ruracio, I am going to expect you to post an entire camera roll of that event detailing the colour of the tents, the mukimo you ate, the sodas you took to the girl’s home, the lesos they wore, and photos of your soon-to-be wife’s grandparents.

As you plan for the wedding, you are encouraged to give us updates of your wedding committee. Be as annoying as is humanly possible.

Posts such as “The wedding committee meeting of Tom and Njeri will be held at Norwich Union Towers, 4th floor, room 407 from 7pm to 9pm. Come one, come all. God loves a cheerful giver” are very welcome.

As you grow closer to the wedding date, keep us updated “Three more weeks before I am officially Mrs….”

And the night before the wedding, remind us, just in case we did not hear you the last a hundred times you told us.

4. #ForBetterOrWorse: It is your wedding, finally! I implore you to make it a big deal. Have a hashtag if you must. #FloraWedsMartin must be a top trending topic. Those naysayers, pessimistic columnists who are still single and searching can hate all they want. It is your big day.

Did I mention photos? Ask your friends to take as many pictures of the lovely bride and tag them to your social media page. If the rest of us did not get an invite to your exclusive garden wedding, I believe it is our right to know what we missed.

After the wedding, I want photos of the honeymoon. I want to know where you went on honeymoon and for how many days. How else am I going to compare and outdo you?

When you are back from honeymoon, we want to know. We want the following photos in no particular order. Photos of; #FirstMonthAsAMarriedCouple and #MarriageIsFun.

5. #TheProposal, #ISaidYes, #SheSaidYes: Hang on, I think I forgot something, but I won’t go all the way up to insert it. So I will write it here.

I forgot the wedding proposal! Now people, it is not every day that people get proposed to. I mean, I have never been proposed to, and I live for the day I will be proposed to.

This is why I advise you to make it as grandiose as possible. Engage your fertile imagination. Propose publicly, on television, in the full glare of cameras.

Propose on her birthday, in front of her friends. Walk up to her in her office and sink on one bended knee.

For the man, ensure there is a cameraman to capture this historic moment. For the woman, make sure your nails are excellently manicured. Red is the preferred bridal colour.

And finally folks, do I have to remind you that you must upload these photos on Instagram and make them your WhatsApp profile picture for all the bitter exes to see and nyongwa?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how to have a relationship on social media.

#HaveALovingWeekend!