CITY GIRL: Basic ‘clande’ etiquette for married men
As Director of Clandestine Activities or DCA, my task is to give advice on Best Clandestine Practices or BCP when dealing with married boyfriends.
Before the festive season, I gave a BCP course on ‘A holiday guide for clandes and side chicks’.
I am happy to report that we received zero complaints of broken marriages. We’ve also not heard any reports of clandes found injured or their cars vandalised. No one has been threatened by a Kili-Money mom.
Now, the Clandes Support Group in partnership with the DCA’s office is happy to present the ‘Kenya Ultimate Married Man’s Clandestine Guide”.
1.Thou shall not take your clande where you have been with your wife: The reason is to avoid embarrassment. You take your clande to hotel X in January and your wife to the same place in February. A waiter walks to your table and says “Ala, huyu sio ule tulikuwa na yeye last time? Karibu sana mama (Isn’t she the one who was here last time? Welcome mum)”
2. Thou shall agree to share your clande: Married men are like politicians; selfish liars who want you to share them but won’t let you share. Clandes say the men get jealous when they don’t answer calls on weekends yet this is the time clandes are out fishing for potential stable men. Clandes won’t tell you they are visiting boyfriends. They will guise it under the veil of “I am going to see my mother” or “I am taking my car for service”. Don’t ask what ‘service’ unless you want to break your married heart.
3.Thou shall protect your clande: Save her number under a pseudo like ‘Jack Bauer’, ‘Raymond Reddington’, ‘Governor’ or ‘Uhuru’s PA’ (for married journalists). When she sends you selfies and nudes, do not save them in the usual gallery. Download a free application on Google store known as ‘Vault’. It allows you to lock those pictures under a password. Vault even hides incoming SMSs, Facebook messages and call records. It can also hide your WhatsApp and Skype. Delete WhatsApp chats by the hour and please, do not take selfies with clandes!
4.Thou shall keep your friends on a leash: Every man shows off his clande to his boys. There are few uncultured boys who wink at your clande when you leave for the bathroom. In the spirit of togetherness, some clandes will exchange numbers with them. Tell the boys your clande has no sisters or cousins she can introduce them to.
5.Thou shall not make surprise visits to her: If you want to visit, ask and pass by the supermarket for ice-cream. Your married heart is too weak to handle what you might see if you pop in unannounced. Never bribe the watchman to ask if your clande gets male visitors.
6. Thou shall have one clande at a time: Diseases are many out there. Respect yourself and keep one clande at a time. When they realise you’ve been playing them, God knows what will happen. Hell hath no fury like a bunch of clandes scorned!