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CITY GIRL: The anatomy of a middle-aged man laid bare

A middle-aged man is a man between 45 and 60 years. A middle-aged man is a man in crisis. He is going through mid-life crisis and most don’t even know it yet.

His youth is fast fading. His pot belly is growing at an alarming rate. He is no longer the strong and energetic stud he was 10 years ago. His career is nose-diving. He is bored to death with his life. And he is worried sick. This middle-aged man is going through every grown man’s worst nightmare. Manopause.

Manopause is the male version of menopause. Manopause is worse than menopause. To understand this, today, I’ll tell you about the anatomy of a middle-aged man. Don’t ask me how I know all this.

1. Fiercely insecure: You’d think that after years of experience, he has done lot of growing up. That he has made peace with his shortcomings and handicaps. You are wrong.

There is not a single creature that has walked on the face of the earth that is as insecure as a middle-aged man. He thinks of himself as a rough and tough old dog with old scars who can handle anything. Nonsense. This middle-aged man is still a little boy. A small boy with a lot of insecurities.

He thinks everyone around him is out to get him. Because of this, he trusts nobody and is ever suspicious of the people around him. Because he is extremely insecure and aggressively stubborn, he is combative and restless.

This is when they begin to have sleeping problems because they spend the entire night worrying. Worrying about the future. He cannot believe that he is no longer a young man. He is worried that the younger lions have come to take over his jungle.

2. Very unhappy: There are fewer unhappier creatures than a man going through mid-life crisis. Nothing scares a man more than the realisation that he is no longer a young man and especially the fact that he can do nothing about this.

A middle-aged man is very, very unhappy with his current lifestyle. He is unhappy with his wife, family and life at large. He is an angry, depressed man, this middle-aged man.

He has this craving for adventure, but very frustrated that he feels tied down by his family and responsibilities. He has doubts over his past decisions and wishes he could turn back the hands of time and do things differently.

Quick tip; if you want to be unhappy, sit near a man going through mid-life crisis.

3. Desperately clutching at youth: A middle-aged man is worse than a woman going through menopause. A man going through mid-life crisis will do anything to clutch at his waning youth. It is at this point where we will see him dyeing his hair in a bid to look younger.

He has a sudden interest in fitness and dieting. A man, who has never joined a gym, will join one at this stage. He is having problems believing that he is 45 years old with a pre-teen in his house. So he will get rid of everything that reminds him of his age.

That potbelly he accumulated in his late 30’s has to go. The ugly jeans he has been wearing have to be replaced with more trendy ones. This is also when they join Instagram, Twitter and Facebook so that they don’t look so archaic.

They are badly trying to keep up with the days, while in real sense; they are just tired and gaunt fossils.

4. Bored to death: A middle-aged man is one bored man. He is bored with his life. His career doesn’t seem to jolt him anymore. He is bored with his wife, his children and generally with everything around him.

He is bored with the school runs in the mornings and evenings. He is bored with the parent-teacher meetings. He is bored with his nice, quiet and settled life in the suburbs.

What he needs is some excitement in his mundane existence. It is at this point that a typical middle-aged man will look for a PYT — a pretty young thing — to keep him busy. A PYT to him is a form of escape from the boring but nagging wife who is equally bored with him. A PYT to remind him that he is still a young, energetic man who can perform miracles. A PYT to stroke his ego, a fresh breath from the bollocking he gets at home.

Oh, and it is also at this point that you will find the middle-aged man buying himself expensive toys. It could be in the form of an insanely expensive car to jolt him back to life or who knows, a trophy wife to show the rest of the world who is boss!