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My open letter to criminal boyfriends Inc.


These are my babies. My daughters. I have been to hell and back with them, and for them. Sooner than you think, you’ll be dating one of them. Nothing wrong with that.

For their natural beauty and flair, you may fall insanely in love with either of them. Nothing wrong with that.

Their standards may be extremely high for you. Nothing wrong with that.

They’ve had all the things, and been to all the places you will strive to impress them with. Nothing wrong with that.

To mellow their little, explorative hearts, you may decide to allocate a county vote to maintain them in the event they fall pregnant like Sharon Otieno, or borrow Sh14,000 from mobile apps to try to impress them on their birthday like Ivy Wangechi.

Just in an effort to change their minds about how they feel about you. Nothing wrong with that.

You may actually feel ambitious enough to finance their college education, because, in the known normal spirit of life, they may tell you that I live in a grass-thatched hut inside Kyemundu forest thus I can’t afford their education. All good, Nyapara.

But, listen here son:

The day you’ll lift up as much as a razor blade even to attempt to circumcise any of them like that lunatic from Tharaka Nithi, let alone imagining that you can buy an axe;

The day you’ll lure them to their death in Kodera forest whatsoever the circumstances;

The day you’ll ambush them in the bathtub in their apartment like Monica Kimani, one that I pay for;

The day you’ll drop their lifeless body on Waiyaki Way as was with Mercy Keino;

That is the day I’ll come for you. In person.

I’ll never send or need the government.

And, to all parents bringing up sissies for men, it’s your moment to reflect.

Anybody who attempts to justify these murders is a closet murderer, and should be treated as such.

This letter was first published on Ben Mulwa’s Facebook page. Reproduced with permission.

Mr Mulwa is a political consultant based in Nairobi.