Nairobi News

A cursory glance at Kenya’s online dating space returns rather baffling results. If you want an easy hook-up plan, Tinder, KenyanCupid, Badoo and FirstMet may not be the best go. For a good reason.

Nothing is half as disappointing as the type of men and women available for takes in Kenya.

Notably, the girls here are 19, 20 and 21-year-olds, puerile lasses who have yet to learn to apply makeup well. Those with funny hairstyles. The sort that puts dog ears on their photos.

In a nutshell, there isn’t much of a choice in this bracket – if you get my drift.

Also in this marketplace are 27-year-olds who have refused to be their age.

If you are looking for someone who is genuinely 28, 29, 30, you are likely to be on hard luck. Everyone is below 25 here.

For the love of life, why would anyone lie about their age? It’s just not practical that all Kenyan women on Tinder are college girls and 21.

ALL TAKEN

I always wonder where the obnoxiously gorgeous women you meet on the streets are. Those that smell like jasmine and whose English is as good as their manners.

The type you meet and you can’t help looking over your shoulder once you have walked past them. Those that you want to stop and kiss for a start.

Problem is, most delicious women out there are taken. Hardly do you meet a fine lady who is on her own. Unless of course she has come straight from the storm of a breakup.

You are unlikely to nail such a woman. It’s insensitive. You also don’t want to be a rebound plan, or whatever such an arrangement is called.

You will either see a woman in the company of a dude who, judging by his manner, his dressing and looks, doesn’t deserve her. I mean, isn’t it only fair that a purebred should have a purebred for a partner?

The other time you see them is in the toxic company of their rowdy-and-not-so-cute girlfriends. Those who talk in restaurants as though they are addressing everyone.

Otherwise you don’t see such women at all. They just don’t exist.

YOUR TRUE SELF

That is half the story.

The rest of the women are… just there. Dating sites are choking thanks to them. Online, they conceal their true identities, character and, yes, looks.

Is there anything more frightening than to meet someone at a coffee shop and wondering whether they are the same person you have been chatting for three months?

I always watch with edgy embarrassment restaurant dramas of men looking lost trying to pick their dates. The poor guy will look around, staring right into her nose but not find her. She will wave at him and even giggle as the guy advances into the room, trying to locate her.

He will only stop when the girl blocks his way with the usual cheesy remark: “It’s me.”

The guy’s will reaction often tell it all: you don’t look half the person I saw in your photos.

And what’s worse than starting a date on a wrong footing? And who better to tell the story than someone who was not lucky to secure a second date?

Whether dating or in business, you can only peddle lies for so long.

If you want to exit the ‘searching sphere’ real quick, be real. Sell your true self. Not your imagined self.

Men find it hard to understand inauthentic personalities. Even harder when you factor in pettiness.