Nairobi News

There has been mounting pressure for me to write about fat men. Let me say that again. There has been growing pressure from fat women for me to write about their male fatso counterparts.

Now, I don’t usually bow to pressure but today, I will. Mostly because I know fat men will not ‘catch feelings’ like their fat wives.

They will not tweet about how disrespectful and insensitive this article is to them. This article will not even trend.

This is because they will not use this opportunity to appear on television during prime-time to sell their baseless and ridiculous ‘plus-size is fabulous’ drivel.

They will not bombard my mailbox with a tsunami of hate mail. They will not even attack me and my looks or lack thereof (Hahaha!).

The fat celebs whose relevance has dwindled over the years will not pen ‘a reply to Njoki Chege’s fat article’ in a desperate attempt to gain traction and seek relevance.

Even those female newsroom fossils cum singers and radio presenters who claim to own NMG shares will not threaten to pull out because of a stubborn columnist.

They will not – Lord forgive me for this – they will not call my boss’s boss to ask him to fire me and cancel this column because my article did not perpetrate the big fat lie that ‘big is beautiful’.

NOTHING SEXY

They will also not write to our good old public editor (pun intended) and ask him why on earth Nation is publishing such garbage.

Instead, they will read this piece laughing and high-fiving on a cloudy Saturday afternoon in a bar at Kamakis. Then they will order another round of beers and ask the butcher to harakisha iyo nyama and hand them this newspaper to funga that nyama.

But I must say this and get it over and done with, gentlemen.

There is nothing more disgusting and hideous like the sight of a fat, wobbly man with a pot belly the size of a small drum.

Men are not supposed to have breasts or ‘moobs’, for crying out loud. And for God’s sake, what is attractive about a man with a huge bum? Fat men, like fat women are simply unattractive.

There is nothing sexy about a man who cannot see some parts of his body unless aided by a mirror and just like men dislike the rolls and folds on their women, we don’t also like your pot bellies.

Fat women have the excuse that ‘Oh, I just gave birth, so leave me and my weight alone,” or “Oh, I am on hormonal contraception that makes me eat more’. You know all those excuses that chubbies use so that we can leave them alone to their carrot cakes?

NO EXCUSE

Well, men have no excuse to be fat. You don’t carry babies in your wombs for nine months. You don’t have to gorge on thermoses upon thermoses of uji and mountains of njahi so that you can breastfeed your children.

Men cope better with stress so they don’t wolf down comfort food like their fat wives do. Men have no excuse to be chubby.

While your fat wives say “Oh, we have toddlers, we don’t have time to exercise”, men have all the time in this world to exercise. I don’t care if you are a CEO or a casual worker. An hour a day to run 5 kilometers is all you need.

Men are not supposed to be fat. You are supposed to be superbly-chiseled, muscled and trim. You are supposed to be fine. You know, flat stomach (I will allow a layer of fat, but not a slab of fat), a bit of muscle at the arms and agile legs.

Surely, if you are a man with a huge bum rivaling your wife’s , thunder thighs and a pot belly that makes you look seven months pregnant, you are a shame to the entire male fraternity and your man card must be revoked.

More so if you are a young man under the age of 35 years and you weigh over 90 kilos. When I see a young man who has put on so much weight that he looks older than his 26 years, I dismiss him immediately.

That man is already a loser, having first lost the battle with his weight and I have no time for that. I mean, my parents did not raise me to spend my forties taking care of a diabetic fatso of a husband who cannot keep his hand out of his mouth.

LEANER MAN

These are not the days when fat men were considered rich and eligible. Those days are long behind us. Slim is the new sexy.

I don’t know a single woman who finds a fat man attractive. This is not to say that we will not date you, hang out with you and even marry you.

If you see an attractive woman with a fat man, then she must be after his money. I mean what there to look when he takes off his shirt? B cup man breasts?

We will love you for your money and your influence but we will definitely lust after slimmer man that looks better than you.

An attractive woman will sleep with a heavily pot-bellied man but fantasize about that leaner, better looking young man in her MBA class. Your women will never tell you this, so allow me to tell you the truth.

But nothing is more striking – and I say this in all seriousness – nothing is more attractive than a man who knows how to take care of himself.

I run most mornings and I must salute all the men I meet in the track all sweaty, running or cycling. You make my day mostly nothing turns me on than seeing a man in action.

Over to you fatsos.