Nairobi News

Four, no, five people have asked me to write about this. Normally, I write and do what I like but I have humbled myself for once to take an idea from colleagues. Somehow, they think I can do their dirty job.

There is this young man who has really annoyed many colleagues because of his nauseating social media theatrics.

I am sorry to be writing about social media again, dear readers. But hear me one more time, please as it is serious.

Allow me a chance to indulge you a little regarding this colleague of ours whom we have decided that an intervention — and a public one for that matter — is the only way to help a brother.

This fellow, who is fairly good-looking but a tad bit too short for my preference, has formed a very bad habit of displaying every single aspect of his young life on social media.

His social media accounts are a shameless public display of idiocy. I don’t follow him that much on social media for only one reason; cerebral hygiene.

I am writing this based on information given to me by my credible newsroom sources.

So he goes out for a date with a girlfriend. He takes a photo and posts it on Twitter or Instagram.

Does he buy a six pack of his favourite cheap beer? Picha pap! Twitterati must know about it.

Does he propose to the girl? Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the entire republic of social media should surely be made aware.

RECENTLY MARRIED

What about when he gathers a few friends to accompany him for a ruracio and ngurario? He will give his followers a blow-by-blow account of the functions and if you didn’t make it, you almost feel like you were there.

I understand he got married recently. His followers haven’t heard the last of it yet. I don’t know how true this is, but colleagues who follow him on social media whispered to me that he had this “countdown to his wedding” as if it was the second coming of Christ.

One might be tempted to believe he was the first journalist to tie the knot.

Readers, I am sorry to bore you with the immature and annoying behaviour of a sleazy young man who thinks his marriage is everyone’s business.

But I am too excited to stop here. I have only just begun! I have got to tell you a few more absurd things that he has been doing on social media recently – just in case you were wondering if anyone can be more foolish than our MCAs, Members of Parliament and senators.

So this man — fresh from his honeymoon — has been, for the last few weeks, flaunting his “beautiful” wife on Twitter.

Those who follow him on Instagram have reliably informed me that approximately 67 per cent of his posts and photos are about “my beautiful wife this, my beautiful wife that”, complete with a battalion of hashtags like #MarriageLife #ILoveMyWife.

I think the charming couple recently bought a Toyota — which according to my sources — is a massive achievement for a man of his modest means.

In a bid to introduce the ‘beast’, the dear lovely couple will post photos of themselves in the car and captions like “Stuck in traffic” or “Headed to work”.

How else would his followers know how well he and his wife are doing?

‘CHECK-INNER’

The man is a perennial ‘check-inner’. He is always checking-in at low-class pubs and restaurants — of course with the ‘beautiful’ wife in tow.

It doesn’t end there. Followers are treated to an assortment of photos of his food and drink from all possible angles, with captions like “Dinner Date With Wifey”.

It is really inspirational for many of his followers who cannot afford weekend brunch with their spouses at low class restaurants.

And he is a self-promoter par excellence. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the only freshly married young man who cooks breakfast for his wife.

To show the rest of us — clueless, unmarried people who cannot boil an egg how it is done — you can follow his social media account for a step-by-step procedure of a groundbreaking event where a man cooks breakfast for his “beautiful” wife. Ensure you look out for a legion of hashtags like #CookingForBae and #MwanaumeNiKupikiaBibiBreakfast.

But just not to throw this column to the gutter and degrade it by writing about one mannerless man on social media, I must say this trend of flaunting relationships on social media is really catching on.

For God’s sake, keep your relationships out of Facebook, Instagram or any other social medium.

Keep your ruracios and ngurarios to yourself. I am sure your relationship is great, your partner is a godsend and you are having a lot of fun with your significant other.

I am also sure your traditional wedding was more colourful and extravagant than any other we have ever seen. I am certain your wife is the prettiest of them all and your husband is the most romantic ‘bae’ ever. You are definitely happy.

But social media is not the place to flaunt your relationship. Have some sense of dignity for heavens sake!