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50 shades of Nairobi men

Our survey did not just cover women alone. Here, we unpack the findings of Nairobi men and how their hoods shape their habits.

Buruburu/South B /South C

Buru Buru is one of those hoods with the most diverse groups of people in Nairobi. They are the grown men who for some reason always walk in packs like they are still in high school.

And then there are the idlers who sit at the “base” from sunrise to sunset. They know everything under the sun and you wonder why they are still jobless.

Though loud, they are trendy dressers. They, however, are known to have a current girlfriend, a baby mama, and a side dish in another hood that they are pursuing.

They are jack of all trades and can go from being a tout to working in white-collar job. Those in South B, in particular, are middle-class wannabe s who drive (borrowed) expensive cars and live in rental houses.

Embakasi/Umoja

Men from Umoja are hustlers no doubt. But they may as well cross hustling for their chics off the list because they are looking for men from the West to get them out of the East.

Men from Embakasi (Nyayo) are realistic. Period. They are comfortable with what they have and know how to live within their means. They do not go chasing for vanity like (cough, cough) South B.

Langata/Nairobi West

They might not be wannabes but they dearly crave the status of their well-to-do neighbours in Karen. Men from Langata have a sense of entitlement and accomplishment as most of them have somewhat good jobs that allow them to frequent their favorite watering holes at Rafikiz or Psys.

And if they stray too far, they will either be at Sailors or Tamasha in Hurlingham. But dating a dude from Langata can be tricky because one, they are the feely-mushy type or two, they are looking for a sugar mama.

Never try to have a drinking competition with a man from Nairobi West because he will drink you under the table. Just like Buru Buru, there are a few bars in every residential area and combined with the amount of pork and goat ribs in the area, he can drink all day, every day.

But here’s the catch, the ratio of men to women is so unsettling considering most ladies are Muslim or Hindu. Woe unto the bar maids.

Kinoo/Kawangware

Men from Kinoo and Kawangware have been in upcountry for so long they are almost scared of the city.

They have miserably failed at the must-have-Nairobi-street smarts and as long as they know they can always go back to their rural homes they are just fine where they are.

They have cheap rent and fresh food to boot. Avoid them!

Dandora/Pangani/Kariobangi
Men from these hoods cannot imagine paying twenty thousand shillings for rent. The funny thing is they are loaded but they would rather go back to their little ramshackle houses upcountry than pay the landlord Sh20,000.

Blasphemy! Oh, and thugs love these hoods. If you’re already dating a man from any of the three, please engage a private detective lest you see the body of your “bae” being bundled at the back of a police van during nine o’clock news having been gunned down during a robbery.

Rongai/Kahawa West/Ngong

Here’s how you know men from these areas especially Rongai are not independent thinkers but have a group mentality.

When they all heard there was land to be bought in the “diaspora” they all stampeded to get a little piece. And look what that got them, hours of enduring hellish traffic.

These men are guilty of owning the loud and obnoxious Subaru’s. They like dating pretty young things (PYT’s) and do not mind spending thousands of shillings on them as long as it is on alcohol alone. But they always go back home to their wives.

Roysambu/Kasarani

A man from these areas is either in university or is just starting to find his way in life. But one thing is for sure: do not expect him to pick up the bill because you will be left helping the kitchen staff peel potatoes.

Most of them are people who have just landed jobs, are in an excited phase of coming into their own and are getting used to the smell of money.

They are not hustlers but are still working their way into middle class status all the while scavenging for free wi-fi on the corridors of Thika Road Mall (TRM).

Westlands

Here, men are either still living in their parent’s home or living in servant quarters. They are the popular “it” guys but are most probably flossing their parents’ wealth, driving their cars and buying alcohol by the bottle.

They are either working in the family business or are still in campus and working in the family business. They are notorious for house parties with endless supply of alcohol (when the parents are away) and shisha.

Kilimani/Kileleshwa/Lavington
His parents were probably well off but they are now retired. Although the money is not really there any more, he tries to keep up appearances by surviving on loans.

Many Nairobi men rent furnished apartments around these areas where they take their clandes and then retire to their wives’ homes in Kiambu or Thika.

Be very afraid when a man drives you into these compounds and doesn’t seem to find the kettle or any other appliance immediately.

Most likely, it is an apartment shared by five other cheats in his circle where they take unsuspecting females. Oh, and he could be carrying a bad disease. Run, sister run.

Runda/Muthaiga/Karen

Men living here are categorized into two: Old and new money. The ones who come from old money live on 5-10 acre properties that could probably hold three wedding parties without one crashing into the other.

New money on the other hand comprises of men in their 40’s who have landed jobs as directors in major companies.

They are ambitious and keen to network although they bought their houses on mortgage. If something was to happen and their jobs were on the brink they would probably have to move back to Kiliimani.