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50 shades of a Nairobi woman (Part Two)

In our second and final part of 50 shades of a Nairobi woman, we unpack findings of our survey about women who reside in the somewhat swankier Nairobi hoods. Read on.

Buru Buru, South C and B
A typical lady from any of these hoods thinks she is the Kenyan version of Paris Hilton. She might be average, just like these hoods (which by the way fell from the upper middle class segment before the highest marks one can score in KCPE fell from 700 to 500 marks) but still thinks she is hot and rich.

She most likely attended public university through the self-sponsored programme as she was too busy bragging about her neighborhood when others were studying and is into accounting, IT or still struggling to get a breakthrough in the media industry for the superficial fame.

Although she is above 27 and has been working for three years, she still lives at her mum’s house and uses all her money for expensive gadgets, clothes and road trips to feed her social media pages. Oh, and she is always on the phone.

She can perfectly switch from good English, to “Swanglish” and Sheng depending on who she is speaking to and their level of interaction.

The same applies to her social life. When she is with her friends she can hang out anywhere and drink anything (Keg, Bluemoon and Kibao) but will insist on a coffee date at Java because she thinks that is where the “rich” like her hang out.

For drinks on a date (when someone else is paying the bill), she insists on nothing less than a “chilled Heineken” for similar reasons.

Langata, Nairobi West
Living in an area where bars outnumber houses on a ratio of 2:1, a chic from this area is a hard drinker. Even if she wasn’t when she moved in to the neighbourhood because she most likely was born in Kilimani or South C, the environment will force her to switch to hard drinking.

This chic will guzzle anything from vodka, to whiskey, spirits or beer at one sitting most probably up to 6am with her female gang who by the way will tag along when you invite one for a date.

She likes hanging around in neighbourhood joints and will date anyone who loves alcohol and can guarantee her drinking lifestyle and it is highly likely that she met her current boyfriend in a club.

She most likely works in a media house, PR firm, bank as a teller or as an event organizer and often arrives late to work with a bad hangover but blames the traffic on Langata and Mombasa Roads even though she woke up late.

She dresses sharply, loves short skirts and gyrates across town in stilettos matching her career during the weekdays but carries doll shoes in her huge handbag to slip into once in the office.  Codenamed “nitala wapi leo”, the gigantic handbags also carry a whole wardrobe in case she doesn’t return home after a drink baada ya kazi (after office hours).

Kilimani, Kileleshwa, Lavington
She either in a well-paying mid-level career job, a celeb wannabee who is a mpango wa kando (clande) to either a politician infected with a bad disease, chief executive or a cantankerous, elderly, gun-owning business mogul.

Because she lives on the greener side of town she has a considerable amount of money in her multiple bank accounts and drives any of the Toyota or Nissan models in town. Occasionally, she will be seen driving a Range Rover, Mercedes S Class or BMW X6 borrowed from her filthy rich boyfriend.

And if she is neither a mid-level manager nor a clande, this girl will never invite you to her place because she lives with 47 other roommates and the only things she owns are her clothes, second-hand iPhone, laptop and Sh500 headphones.

She will never date a guy from a lower-class estate who cannot match her somewhat polished English or take her to eat deep-fried prawns on sugarcane for Sh8,700 at Thai Chi or Brasserie at Hemingways that would cost  a whole month’s rent for someone living in a sorry apartment at Donholm.

She will rock anything from very short pants to bare backs and minis depending on her mood without caring whether or not touts are undressing people. After all Kilimani Mums are a shout away, literally.

She most likely puffs, knows all the expensive wines and whiskeys by name (and alcohol percentage) and frequents orgy-like house parties where every smokable or drinkable substance that was ever invented never runs out. Oh, and she will be stunned if you say you have no clue what a weed cake is.

Karen, Muthaiga, Runda
A chick living in these areas is a Kenyan Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She was born in money, lives in money and the chances of her being poor are…. Trying to calculate this can land you on Fatou Bensouda’s list.

Her mum will freak out if she hears she is riding in a matatus because she has her own RAV 4 or Avensis, bought and maintained by her super rich parents who she rarely sees (they are always abroad).

She attended schools whose fees would be enough to bail out a murder suspect. She then flew off to the UK or US for further studies so that she can come back and manage her family business.

She is dating a son of a board chairman of multiple blue chip companies. She wears only designer clothes, accessories and colognes and takes two years before going to the CBD.

She does not know how to cook, clean or wash clothes; this is done at the press of a washing machine button or by hired chefs. She has never thought of moving out of her parent house despite the fact that she is 33.