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CITY GIRL: 15 tell-tale signs that you are a drunkard

Six million. That is the estimated number of Kenyans with a drinking problem — at least according to the Kenya STEPwise survey conducted by the Ministry of Health.

Out of the six million heavy drinkers we have in Kenya, 24 per cent are rich. 18 per cent are poor. 54 per cent are neither rich nor poor. Truly truly, the rich also cry!

So, the question today is, are you a heavy drinker? You don’t know? Worry not, I will help you figure it out because a City Girl went out of her way to come up with a 15-point checklist that will help you to discover if you are among the six million heavy drinkers.

This checklist is applicable to all — whether rich or poor. Who knows, even a president may find this quite helpful! Here goes:

1. You are broke by the 9th of the month: If you, my friend, are perpetually broke by the 9th of the month because moments after receiving your salary you are at a pub buying rounds for your friends, then you have a drinking problem. If you are the type to disappear for days after receiving your kasalo to reduce it to a manageable amount at the pubs, then you need to see a doctor.

2. You are ‘not a morning person’: Because most mornings find you nursing a throbbing headache and you spent most of the night drinking. You need help. You are a drunk.

3. You look the part: Red eyes. Pot belly peeping through your shirt. That beer gut is not only unsightly but the universal badge of honour for all struggling drunks. Just like your Mr…

4. You love the ‘liquid lunch’: You know those people that start drinking too early or must have a beer at lunch time? They need to see a doctor.

5. You haven’t seen your children in the past 24 hours: Because you came home late, drunk to a stupor, at around 2:37am.

6. It is Tuesday 7pm and you are at the bar: Nursing a glass of Johnnie Walker double (black), instead of doing homework. You should be ashamed of yourself!

7. Your stressful days must end with a stiff drink: You need to see a doctor and ask him to help you to manage your drinking problem because we all know that there are better ways to manage stress than running for a drink.

8. You are reading this at 2pm and you are treating a hangover: Saturdays are not to be spent sleeping off a hangover but with a girlfriend (for the married men) or with your family because you have been coming home past 11pm from the club, after the kids have slept.

9. When you are happy, you drink. When you are sad…: You drink? You are among the six million Kenyans because, who drinks at every occasion? A drunkard.

10. You don’t remember what happened last night? You look at your wallet this morning and you get an overwhelming urge to cry: You look at the receipts from last night and scream: ‘Who ordered an entire bottle of Courvoisier?”

11. You cannot live without alcohol? Wewe ni kalewa and you need to see a doctor before you finally drop dead from liver cirrhosis. You have tried several times to stop drinking alcohol but you keep falling into the same pit. It is time you started arranging your estate; you are almost leaving us.

12. Your car has several dents: And you have no idea how and where you got them? Probably at the basement parking of some tower in Westlands, after staggering from that bistro on 11th floor (I think)?

13. You have health problems: You are thirty-four years old and you have high blood pressure. Chances are, you need to step away from the bottle and possibly step into a gym.

14. You are a woman and wine is your best friend: It seems harmless. You are the several-glasses-a-night kind of girl. I hate to break it down to you, but you are a borderline drunk and you need to realise that there is more to life than downing a glass of wine.

15. It is 2:30pm now and you are already drinking in a bid to kutoa lock. My friend, put that bottle of beer down and rethink your life choices — because you are fast becoming a train wreck.