Woman-shower
By JAMES KAHONGE

Today let’s talk about vaginas, shall we? More specifically designer vaginas.

First of all, there is nothing in the human anatomy that is as fascinating and as puzzling as the female genitalia.

Over the years, designer vaginas have been associated with celebrities. But lately, this craze has spilled over to the masses, with the womenfolk the world over queuing for pedigree vaginas.

According to the International Society of Anaesthetic Plastic Surgery, about 100000 women globally underwent this form of surgery in 2015 alone.

Call it dysmorphia, a psychological condition where someone is constantly anxious about a particular part of their body, thinking it is deformed.

But why a vaginal facelift?

Most women have a hang-up that having a tighter and smaller vagina would lend va-va-voom to the divine ritual, turning a rather flat sex experience into a nerve-shattering encounter. Who wouldn’t fancy a dance that cracks their marbles alright?

SEX LIFE

While the procedure adds spark to some women’s sex life, for others, poor souls, the magic fails.

Some have their vagina surgically redesigned purely for aesthetic reasons; to neaten things up where it matters, you know. But to want to have a soft, firm and cream-toned chocha like a six year old is absurd.

Others still do it because it is stylish to get a new look down south.

But besides these reasons, the underlying motivation to have a scalpel clip your petals of love and to pay a dear price for the pain is simply…looks.

Most women would not allow a man see between their legs, at least not with lights on. You may explore her groin with any other tool, but engaging your eyes is considered trespass.

Majority of women consider the terrain in their southern hemisphere ugly, humiliating and disgusting. Only five per cent of women think they got the “perfect” deal of creation.

SURGERY

According to a 2016 survey in the UK, one in every six women had considered surgery to alter the look of things of you-know-where.

Sleeping around is not my scene, but I have spoken with such men. These admit having seen vaginas of all sorts. From the surreal, to the horrific; from those that look like ruins to those that lack symmetry. And yet others that defy all linguistic description.

To suffer low-self-esteem is one thing for a woman, but to have an ugly-looking vajayjay is a different matter altogether.

You will meet a pretty damned gorgeous woman, a lady who is seemingly hard on top of things. But the topic of her intimate zone puts her straight in a box.

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This probably explains the growing popularity of “rubber romance” among Kenyan women.

It is simple.

Women are more self-aware than men will ever be. You wanna wreck a woman’s pride through and through? Mention anything defective or unusual about her body.

While some good-for-nothing men partners will judge the look of your vineyard, most men will hardly remember its geography the morning after.

TYPES OF VAGINAS

We all know about The Great Wall of China. Well, that is not the only “great wall” in the world. There is also The Great Wall of Vagina.

In 2015, English sculptor Jamie McCartney used plastic casts to mould 400 types of vaginas in what is perhaps the most hideous work of art ever produced, but also the cleverest, shall we say?

Jamie created this vulgar marvel to mock the rise of designer vagina cosmetic surgery, and to celebrate female anatomy.

Let’s face it. Does it really matter how your flower looks? It is all about the expertise your partner brings to the table, or between the sheets for that matter.

I am no worthy sexologist, but having a bit of mystery in your bedroom – or wherever else it is that you prefer eating your cookie – would help to spice up your sex life. After all mystery is the other word for romance.

To grind corn is great, but to have a frothing orgasm is divine. A blinding Big O is a box everyone wants to tick in their life; the more times the better.

WOMEN EMPOWERMENT

If the crusade about women empowerment is sincere, we must empower them in the bedroom too, because, well, a nerve-shattering orgasm is an empowering position to be in.

Yet manipulation of the vagina’s anatomy for whatever reason is as costly as it is contentious. The UK for instance prohibits medical practitioners from operating on girls below eighteen years.

In fact, the line is pretty dissolved between labiaplasty and FGM, which is illegal in most countries. But whether the procedure amounts to FGM or not depends with the woman’s viewpoint.

But if you are truly in a funk about your not-so-appealing vajayjay, fret not. You could undergo labiaplasty, which reduces the size of your labia minora for a younger-looking coochie.

Vaginoplasty on the other hand reduces the actual size of the vagina by sewing it up, to make it snugger for what most women believe is a breath-taking penetration.

It takes about two hours on the operating table, and roughly Sh300000 to have a new-look honeypot.