Heart-shaped decorations for sale at a florist's ahead of the Valentine's Day. PHOTO | AFPHeart-shaped decorations for sale at a florist's ahead of the Valentine's Day. PHOTO | AFP
By JAMES KAHONGEH, @_nkurunziza

A man is more likely to pull a disappearing act on the Valentine’s Day than on any other day on the calendar. Ask jilted women.

While the Valentine’s is universally gloried, it’s not as good as advertised. It’s the most sinful day on the calendar, where deceit, and pretence fly with abandon.

Few men attach any importance to the Valentine’s. For lack of mystery, women argue. I’m yet to fathom if mystery can lend a spark to an uninspired romance.

So this Valentine’s, some men will choose to do the unthinkable: drink the evening away, to avoid the evils that the Valentine’s unleashes.

All the while, his woman will be waiting at home, with her heart and a bouquet of carnations in hand. And in a gorgeous dress. And red underwear.

SLEEP IN CAR

But he’ll not come. Not tonight. He will be sleeping in the car in the basement of his office. Alone –which matters more than anything.

The lady will sob her brains out, locked up in her bedroom, feeling unloved, unappreciated and unsexy. Everything a wounded woman can possibly feel about herself.

Meanwhile, she’ll convince herself, her man is out having a jolly moment with his new flame. How her heart will break into tiny shards!

She will soak her beautiful dress in tears, cry herself to sleep, flowers in hand. But with a resolve: to teach the good-for-nothing bastard a lesson.

When it comes to administering revenge, women have quite the knack. Slow. Shrewd. Sinister. And box you into a corner she will. For the rest of the year.

If your house has been a battle arena all year long, why pretend to be enamoured on this day? He prefers honesty to deception. Simple.

In fact, trying to mend a broken romance on this day is a quicksand no rational man wants to tread.

MAKE HIMSELF SCARCE

If you upset him but he curiously ignored it, be very scared this Valentine’s. He’ll go for the chink in your armour. And what better way to revenge than to make himself scarce on this day?

Ironically, some women are obliged to bootlick their men, to earn a Valentine’s treat. Stanger things.

You’ve both tried to revive your jaded romance in vain. If your man isn’t sure how to dispatch the failed relationship yet, the Valentine’s Day is the ideal time. He will skive the date, hoping that you read the cue. Effortless. Clinical. And costless.

When a man treats his lady at, say, an exclusive cottage out of the blue, she will most likely …read mischief.

Some men will, therefore, deliberately make this Valentine’s uneventful –just so their women may learn a thing about appreciation. Brutal.

The main motivation (actually the ONLY motivation) why your man is eager about the Valentine’s is the incentive attached. Sex.

You see, you are sure-fire to grind corn on the 14th day of February than on any other day of the year. Unless, of course, you are honeymooning –but which is also not always guaranteed.

On their part, women want –well, it’s never clear what women want.

BE DIFFERENT

If he fails to show up this Valentine’s night, just know that he hasn’t abandoned you. Just not yet. He simply wants to be different. Isn’t “different” why you chose him over hordes of other handsomer, wittier and better-off men?

When the dust settles, he will appear, possibly at midday the following day, either perfectly leathered or resigned –as though nothing happened –and without a peace offering –bar of chocolate or flowers.

But appear he will. Isn’t that something?

Men who vanish this Valentine’s will be courting a limitless array of problems. But if you can handle poison that your woman will churn all year long, go for it. Only think about.

Happy Valentine’s, shall we say?

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