One of the posters of the would be Project X party.One of the posters of the would be Project X party. By CITY GIRL

Somebody give the Kenya Film Classification Board (KFCB) a lollipop. Because they are being childish. And as for the CEO, please, somebody buy him crayons, a colouring book, that colourful little chart with the alphabet and drop him at the day care centre. Because he too, is being very childish.

I am sure you have heard about the ‘Project X’ party that was to happen this weekend. This party, the organisers promised, would be the party of the year. Young people, for whom the party was intended, were assured to have the time of their life, so much so, that they would “lose their minds”.

“No one goes back home a virgin…” read the poster.

The KFCB, in its infinite Solomonic wisdom, called a press conference and made the earth-shattering announcement. It condemned and banned the party on moral grounds.

They said that party is an avenue through which unscrupulous business people would promote drugs, illicit sex and make pornographic movies. They claimed that an international pornographic ring was behind the party, and the aim was to film the youngsters having sex.

Now, I am not here to bore you with a homily on how I think the party is immoral or illegal. I have never been known to be a member of the moral police and most of you think I am amoral anyway. So I won’t bother.

Plus, I think if a child — a teenager — is to attend such parties, then it only means that their parents have failed.

PROJECT X

Back to KFCB and their shenanigans. First of all, dear KFCB, allow me to let you into a little secret. Sex parties disguised as “house parties” are the pulse of this town.

Young people have always had parties and will always have parties. From time immemorial, young people have always held parties like Ngwiko, where they would explore their sexual energy only up to a certain point. “House parties” and “Project X” are the modern day Ngwiko. The only difference today is that we have thrown in condoms, booze and a bit of media spotlight to get the word round.

KFCB, being the bunch of clueless oldies they are, are obviously oblivious of the things that are happening right under their noses.

If KFCB wish to demonstrate that they are working, let them not wait for Twitter and the media to bring to their attention parties like Project X so that they jump in and pretend to work.

They should be the ones bringing to our attention such parties, not the other way round. Why wait to crawl out of the woodwork when there is sudden media attention on an “immoral” party?

If KFCB officials want to justify their hefty salaries and allowances, they should crack down on all the stag parties and hen nights happening all over town. And especially out of town.

Now those are real little Sodom and Gomorrahs around us. Oh, somebody explain to that CEO what a stag night is, I can smell his confusion from here.

NASTY VIDEOS

Maybe the management of KFCB should take a break from dying their hair jet black and begin to shut down all those pornographic websites available to young people with i-phones and free wi-fi.

I am reminded that these are the same characters who wanted to censor the American online movie streaming service Netflix on moral grounds, as young people access the same content on YouTube and many other websites that they know of.

If those KFCB officials are really worth those PhDs they hang on their office walls (which they pursued in their old age during night class), then they should crack down on all the strip joints in town where you can watch live sex shows for as little as Sh500.

While at it, they should smoke out all those “massage parlours” that advertise on roundabouts in Kilimani and Kileleshwa in the thick of darkness.

Let them crack down on all the nasty videos of naked teenagers doing the rounds on WhatsApp. Do they know about websites that advertise young girls for sex?

The bitter truth is, dear parents of teenagers reading this, Project X is really what happens when your teen tells you she is going to Samantha’s “bash”.

I was a little taken aback when the advert said that “No-one goes back home a virgin”, because I thought the organisers were a bit mistaken — there are hardly any virgins alive at that age, let us not lie to ourselves, please.

Now, I know I have stepped on a few toes here and there. Toes that have direct lines to my boss’s boss. But I am not sorry. So please, don’t call me or any of my bosses. Just do your damn job and leave young people alone.