Happy-Couple-III
By CITY GIRL

What is it with Kenyan women and Nigerian men? What is it with those short, stocky bearded West African mohines that make Kenyan women move planets for them?

We have heard enough stories about how Kenyan women borrowed loans for their Nigerian boyfriends to pay for ‘containers with goods worth millions’ stuck at the port only for the Nigerian man to disappear.

I know Kenyan women whose careers and lives have come to a standstill after a Nigerian man swept them clean, and I mean clean; car, house, land, money… everything.

So today, ladies, I chose to address this topic, once and for all. After this, I don’t expect any of you to be conned by a so-called ‘romantic’ Nigerian man. I will only say this once.

Stay away from Nigerian men! All Nigerian men are conmen. Repeat after me; “All Nigerian men are conmen”. There are no exceptions here. When you see a Nigerian man, run the other way. Don’t stop to invoke the name of Jesus or pray. Just take cover.

While you are at it, here are a few pointers you need to look out for in a Nigerian man. If he exhibits any of these traits, then you are dealing with a riffraff.

1. He is too romantic: You have never met a man like him. He treats you like a glass statue and worships the ground you walk on. He is not like the unromantic Kenyan men who don’t text you back or return your calls. He calls you ‘baby’ all the time except when he calls you ‘my queen’.

You have never been immersed in so much love and affection. You are literally intoxicated in his love. He will even paint your toenails and shampoo your hair. Red flag.

He is fattening you up for slaughter. He is warming your heart. Softening you up by leading you to believe that you have found the one. It is not humanly possible for a man to be 100 per cent romantic, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. That romantic Nigerian man is up to something.

2. He throws money at you: No man in his right mind will throw money at a woman. Kwani wewe ni nani? But this Nigerian is the most generous man you have ever met in your life. He even gives you money before you ask for it because ‘you are special and you deserve it’.

He debunks every myth you have ever heard about Nigerian men swindling women off their money. You relax and put your guard down. You think that the Lord has finally smiled upon you and given you a wonderful man who is not only loving, but also rich. All those prayers you prayed for a husband have finally been answered. Shock on you.

He is making an investment and he knows what he is doing. He will shower you with gifts and money amounting to Sh1 million, knowing very well that he will con you Sh3 million and make a profit Sh2 million. Tax free.

One day, when you least expect, he will strike. He will be in dire need of some Sh2 million for a deal and because he has created an illusion of wealth, you will readily give in. You will run to the sacco and borrow some Sh2 million. That will be the beginning of your downfall.

3. He moves in with you: So he gives you a cock and bull story about how he is putting up with a friend in Kileleshwa but has been unsuccessfully looking for a house. You pity him and allow him to put up with you in your house for a short while before he finds a bigger house for the two of you.

Every week, he has a new excuse. “Oh, I found one but it is too big.” “Oh, I found another one in Lavington but I don’t like it.”

A week turns into a month and before you know it, you are co-habiting with a Nigerian man who can barely speak English. But because he treats you so nice (and sometimes even washes the dishes), you are blind to his antics. Be very worried.

4. He drives your car: My friends told me this, and I couldn’t believe it. How does a woman give her man her car to go drinking out with the ‘boys’ as she takes a matatu to work?

Only a woman with a Nigerian boyfriend can do that. So he uses cabs all the time and you think it is just unfair for him to spend so much money on cabs, yet you have a car. You lend him yours and before you know it, he is dropping you to work in your car, goes out drinking with his friends in your car and suddenly that car is no longer yours. Be warned.

A real man does not drive woman’s car and a smart woman does not allow a man to use her car to run his errands. If he doesn’t have a car, let him use a cab or buy one.

5. He has mysterious ‘trips’: He purports to be a businessman but you are not exactly sure what he does for a living. He travels often to Dubai, China, Thailand and Singapore for ‘business trips’.

You don’t care what he does for a living mainly because of all the goodies he brings you. Lingerie. Expensive shoes. Perfumes. Dresses. Bags.

He says he does business but has never really taken you to his office, nor have you met any of his business partners. Be especially wary of those Nigerians who purport to sell gold or cars.

He hasn’t given you a business card, but you are still okay with it because he seems flashy and talks big. Silly girl.

One day you are going about your business and the next day you are a suspect for a car-theft syndicate and police will insist that you are harbouring a criminal on Interpol’s watch list. And you thought he loved you for your great personality!

6. You run errands for him: He takes you on a ‘holiday’ to China and throws money at your feet. He allows you to buy whatever you like because ‘you are special and you deserve it’.

On your way back, he tells you to carry a package for him to deliver to his friend because he has no space in his bag. You readily agree. I mean, after all the bags he has bought you, you must have some space. Foolish girl.

That man is using you as a conduit for drugs and you only realise it when you are frantically calling your aging relatives from the airport cells. The Nigerian man is long gone.

You have been warned. Stay away from Nigerian men.