Matters about sex and sexuality are not my cup of tea and discussing these things with all and sundry. PHOTO | NATIONMatters about sex and sexuality are not my cup of tea and discussing these things with all and sundry. PHOTO | NATION
By NAIROBI WIFE

Can you and do you talk about sex? No? Then you better start learning, and fast!

If you are conservative like me, you will have a very rough time when it comes to preparing for marriage.

Strangers, acquaintances, colleagues and friends alike will take the opportunity to ask very personal questions and they will expect very personal answers, in detail.

A friend of mine once called me a prude, and I did not argue with her. Matters about sex and sexuality are not my cup of tea and discussing these things with all and sundry makes me want the ground to swallow me whole.

Questions like, “Have you ever lived together? Do you have children? How many kids do you want?” are fine and come with the territory, but I tend to squirm in my seat when people go deeper and start asking about which birth control method we will use and start to give blow by blow accounts of their own sexual experiences.

FIRST TIME TOGETHER

The more awkward it is when it’s people you would not expect the ‘talk’ from, that is bosses, parents and the clergy. I think deep down everyone has a really good sex story that they are itching to tell, and a young couple planning for their marriage are the best captive audience for these sordid tales.

My mother and I are quite close and I hope that I will have as open a relationship with my own children. She made sure that I found out about the birds and the bees from her and not my friends, lest I was misled.

She however has the tendency to go overboard sometimes. I remember a time when she almost divulged the details about hers and my father’s first time together. It took all my strength to get her to keep the memory to herself. That is one part of my parents’ lives that I do not want to find out about.

Don’t get me wrong. My significant other and I discuss bedroom matters as it is essential in any marriage, but when a new service provider we have just enlisted starts telling us to just use condoms when we’re not trying to get pregnant, you know there is a line that was crossed ages ago.

BEST ADVICE

A relative of mine who got married a while back had to endure painful discussions with her tailor about the pelvic exercises she needed to do to make sure she was ready for her wedding night. I’m extremely liberal compared to her; you can imagine how she tried to dodge the conversation.

I am not being ungrateful for all the ‘advice’ but I am pleading with you to at least get to know us a bit better before you ambush us with inappropriate images of you doing the deed (I have a very active imagination that leads me straight from the conversation to seeing the act myself, eewww!).

But of course my begging will fall on deaf ears because, “I need to know these things!”

So if you are a couple getting ready to be married and are not comfortable with talking about sex, get used to it and quick!

Everyone will want to tell you something about it and you HAVE to listen. Who knows, you may be getting the best advice ever.